the it being the mindset necessary to lose the weight i gained back when i got pregnant. i just can’t get over myself and my screw it attitude. can’t should say won’t - let me stay honest.

i did read this really interesting article in this months issue of Health Magazine. Basically there was a woman (a mom of a toddler) that was followed around by a diet “spy.” She helped track all the little bits of food that this woman put into her body everyday. Not the meals or the sit down snacks, but the lattes, the nibbles from the kid’s plate, licks from the frosting bowl, roll out of the grocery bag, too many handfuls of nuts while doing something else - that kind of thing.

Well, you know what? This woman ate about 1000 a day like this - and that’s not including her meals! Even just one extra 100 calorie item a day can add up to 10 pounds a year and look at all this.

I was shocked because in her i saw me!  I have been in the fram eof mind that this or that doesn’t really matter. I was using calorie counts in teh opposite way - oh that’s just 100 calories, no big deal. It’s how the credit card bills add up, too. You know the drill, you go to Target and buy a bunmch of 10-15 dollar things and suddenly your bill is over $100, but nothing was that much individually.

So I need to get back to budgeting my eats. I need to return to the knowledge that it all adds up. It all is about choices and trade offs. I don’t belive in denying foods but if i am always chosing to have waht i want. i am creating this big ole body…

food for thought, i tell ya.

and, just because i make it from scratch doesn’t mean it’s calorie free - that’s my newest thing - i make alot of my food from scratch and it’s filled with healthy and natural things BUT that doesn’t wipe away the butter and sugar addded to the freshly roasted pumpkin when i bake, the eggs and cheese in a beautiful kale quiche, or the olive oil to saute the garlic and onion for the squash and apple soup (my soups are usually pretty low in calories, actually)…you know what i mean? just cuz you make it doesn’t mean it doesn’t add up!

night night!

I did it!!!

I went to the gym and did the elliptical for 20 minutes today! Doesn’t seem like much but I actually left both of my kids with a sitter and ran to the gym and back. That is HUGE for me! Felt really good. Took me forever to leave my first son with anyone other than the hubby or maybe family when they were in town visiting. i orchestrated the whole thing so that they were both sleeping - that never happens! I just did 20 minutes to start because that’s all my mom anxiety could stand! But, it is a first step. I also walked for an hour this morning. My eats have been not so great lately. Still in taht screw it attitude. Decided to go with one thing at a time - up the exercise if I’m going to eat like this i have to get to the gym. Will go again this weekend. Anyway, one step at a time worked last year, so I know i can do it this year! Will get over my WON’T do it attitude soon! Til then, 20 minutes is better than nothing!!!!!

Have a wonderful holiday!!!

i almost wrote that i can’t, but that would be lying. I just won’t commit to what i need to do to make the weight come off. it’s no mystery for me what i need to do. i haven’t tried everything and failed, i’m just not trying consistently, and i’m incredibly resistant to do so. i don’t want to give up the cookies, the mussins, the snacks at night. i want to join the strong challenge, but i can’t even (WON’T) come up with something i intend to do…wow. good to recognize this stubborness i am having right now. things are well here with the two babes, but i guess i am having that i don’t want to give this or that up attitude because i am already doing alot of that which is totally good by me, but exhausting and taxing nonetheless. the food is returning to status of reward, soother, entitlement, the thing i get to do alone. i was thinking how people share their hobbies and interests with their kids. well, mine seems to be food…my son was even a chef for Halloween. i hope i havne’t handed down my eating struggles to him - i tried not to do that and it seems to have happenend anyway…is that just how parenting goes? we really have no control

a bit of a tangent there…

so, here are the things i won’t do:

set a goal

go to the gym

stop night snacking for good

stop the cookies here and there

stop the breads/muffins here or there

here is what i will do: let me try this

i already gave up dairy, coffee, chocolate, pnut butter for the last 2.5 weeks to see if it helped eli’s belly. i am slowly reintriducing them. i DID do this even though i resisted it. i have had tiny bits of eash (except coffee).

i still can’t type it…i won’t do it. therefore i won’t lose weight. hmm. i seem to be in a deadlock with myself…nice.

let’s see…

i WILL drink more water

i WILL walk everyday except Wednesday or if it is truly to cold to go out with the baby

i WILL go to the gym once a week

i WILL continue to snack at night while watching my portions. I think i need to start here.

I WILL have one cookie/muffin etc a day if I have walked and controlled my snacking the night before. maybe that is the way to go. i definitely can’t set myself up in the I CAN’T have something mode - it just won’t work for me especially right now when i am wanting ease and comfort from food.

long windy blog…

if you made it this far - thanks!

ps- email and boosters still crash me if i try and send them out - sorry!!! i can read anything. often i have the baby on my arm so typing is really hard. if ever you need me - please tell me!

am having tea.

a friend gave me some white bean dip this morning - it was so garlicky that i have wanted nothing but chocolate ever since. had a bite of a brownie from a friend but gave the rest away. am tired, too, that time of day. want cookie dough, but chose…drumroll please…

TEA!

woo hoo!

oh baby needs me -

later!

led me to success this week. i had a loss on the scale and most importantly a feeling of success. i chose not to snack last night, to walk for miles yesterday morning, and not to buy a hot drink/scone/cookie while i was out yesterday morning. i had the just for today mentality and it really helped me make the choices i needed to make in order to have a loss this week. i had been gaining the last two weeks. i rode the postnatal weight loss and then it stopped - i have to work at it more now and make the choices that will give me what i want. well, for this week i did it! i  can’t wait to get under 170…maybe next week or the week after? holidays are coming…

make those choices that give you what you truly want. it feels good!

but not in the good i’m losing way. in the oh no i’m not losing way. i’m letting my cat team down. i’m not focused right now, i’m not making the time for Bslim and i’m nopt eating within good limits. adjusting to life with two kids isn’t so hard except that it leaves so very little time for things like this. waah. i need my Bslim to keep going. I need also to decide it is time.

speaking of time have to run and get A to school then pick up inlaws from airport.

will leave you with our great news - My hubby got spared this round of layoffs at his company. there will be more to come in january, but for now we are okay. can you say PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, hugs!!

so that’s how i feel. even now as i write this i am feeling that sense of HURRY!!! Must rush before baby wakes up, before i need to go back to school, because i need to be paying bills or running errands, or just because. My state of being ever since having my first kid has been no hurried. I want to write all about this but am finding i can’t give it the time because i want to get to the other topic, too, the waiting. i can feel this rush in my blood and bones. certainly doesn’t help when it comes to eating - that, too, is a rush. got to get it done and got to do things before the kids melt down - that seems to be the combo. where did the meandering, wandering me go? the one who likes to get lost in order to find new ways? maybe that’s why tv time at night is so “special” once i get there it is slow. a like not having been there the last few nights, though.

i want to slow down. i love yoga and meditation retreats and places that ooze slowness and quiet and peace. perhaps because i am sooooo busy. i feel busy and yet i feel lazy as there are always so many things i am not doing. and i do spend time just sitting around as well - staring out the window - literally!

maybe that’s how the waiting comes into play. i ahve really been noticing my waiting for mentality lately. it’s always there, but right now it is laughable. i was having the “i’ll start eating better, sleeping more, and not watching as much nightly tv when i’m not so tired” - um - DUH??? first, that makes me tired, second i have kids - i’m going to be tired for awhile now so why wait? the waiting effects everything i do…oh, i’m feeling hurried so i’m losing my train of thought…

maybe i’ll just go pay the bills.

i am doing well with not randomly eating on my upset stomach (we all ahve a slight bug here). i tend to eat when i don’t feel well - even if it’s a tummy issue. so it feels good to make better choices for my bod. i will eat as i need to keep fueled for nursing, but i won’t eat to feel better. it doens’t work anyway

is to go to sleep.

we all know it, right? if you stay up late you have more time to eat, it’s bad to eat too close to bedtime, if you are tired you will eat more the next day.

i just want to say that it is sooooooo true!

the nights that i get myself to go to sleep early, i lose weight. the reason for that is that i then don’t sit up and eat in front of the tv. the tough part for me is usually seeing going to sleep as something as desireable as staying up watching tv and eating. the last two nights i did. the first night was a beautiful moment of laying down with baby and loving that time with him versus time with the couch and tv. then last night, i really chose sleep over tv. it felt so good.

the irony is that both nights a layed down around 9, but the baby was a bit fussy and i was up till 11 anyway…and last night was a doozy of a sleep night. let’s hope the bigger kid naps today so i can nap. i chose that yesterday, too. napping over eating or being on the computer.

this is all helping make up for the weekend of gluttony. i am back on target and hope to pull a two pound loss this week just from this simple act. no other changes…well, i am getting lots of moment soothing the baby. last night i was up and down the stairs over and over and over again.

here’s to going to sleep!

i haven’t watched Biggest Loser this week, but last week i heard this line trhat really stuck with me: “To try is to give up with honor.” Therefore, don’t try just do it!

well i got my wedding rings off after my great weigh in on friday! woo hoo! then i proceeded to eat the farm as it were. did get the donuts and ate oh so many. am over that - they really are only good fresh. but our house has been looking like a bakery. a friend gave us a pie, another a banana bread, and then i baked some muffins. i am not sure how my weigh in will be this week.

sorry to be so off line since last week. we had a fair at school all day saturday then sat nite the dog got skunked so we dealt with that then plus sunday morn. then off to a b-day party. also, the bigger kiddo isn’t napping…

the real news now is that my hubby’s co will be having layoffs. we don’t know yey if it will be him. EGADS!!!! he is the worrier amongst us so he is sooooo stressed, but i have to say this is getting me to.

oh, baby is waking, gotta go!

love!

So, it’s official, today at weigh in I went under my original Buddy Slim tracker weight of 175. I slid under by just one pound but that’s okay, it was a 2 pound loss this week and i wasn not all that well behaved! It was nice to get the “good job” message instead of the other sweet but placating messages about setbacks. So, i’m on my way down to where i got last January. Let’s see how i do. The nursing definitely helps although this morning when i weighed in i swear i had about 2 pounds of milk in these knockers (overshare?)

Jut a reminder to you all - my BSlim email system totally crashes when i try to reply to you, so give me your outside world email if you really want to hear back or write a blog see me in the forums. i try to get on when the kiddos cooperate. i can read all of your mails i just can’t reply easily. i need lots of time to let it crash and reboot, so mainly i don’t do it. I can’t even send boosters