Wow. Puts life into perspective, right?
Here I am being a Scrooge. A grumpy tired Mom. An annoyed person. Whatever it is I am at the moment. I am being a LifeWaster as well. Well, Life Postponer might be a better phrase. Come on, you all know it …
“I’ll do that tomorrow.”
“I’ll do that when…”
“Oh, yeah, that’s important to me, I’ll figure that out and get on that once I do that…tomorrow.”
I’ve been thinking about mortality lately. The very true fact that we are here for a limited time and that this is our chance to do, be whatever it is we want. Many of my friends’ Dads have passed on this year and it is really hitting me deeply about my own family and my own mortality. I am understanding the mid-life crisis thing I heard of so often as I was growing up. I am getting that I only have so many chances to do things and then my chances are gone. The time is limited so act now…maybe that should’ve been the title to my blog. Maybe I’ll change it. Maybe, later. See? There it is? The postponing. That bumper sticker Don’t Postpone Joy needs to be tatooed on my head. I am a constant waiter. Waiting to know what to do, to do the right thing, to do anything. Waiting until I’m not tired or busy or sick or fat or…whatever. And, you see, now I am really realizing that if you just keep waiting one day you will be gone without ever having done what it is you truly wanted.
Amazingly simple, yes? And so impossible, yes?
Should I still tell you why I was complaining of feeling like a Scrooge and Bad Mom. Christmas/Hannukah totally stress me out. I can’t get my sh*t together EVER to get thing out in the mail in time. I haven’t lived in the same state as my family since I was 18, so I always have to ship things. I am lazy and have a touch of perfectionism where I want just the right things and, so, it all gets done at the last minute or not at all. Neither of my folks really NEED or WANT anything. Maybe some photos, but even that stresses me out. And, today, I got upset and totally guilted my 3 yo about making cards for his grandparents. Nice. I really need to set up a therapy fund for the poor kid.
Am feeling pressure today of needing to get things in mail, buy more things, my photo project turned out lame, not sure if i should bake something, need to make dinner for friends who just had 3 rd baby today, bake something for husband’s work party, it snowed, my baby is a little sick and cranky this morning - really he just wanted to sleep and with the 3 yo home this morning it’s tough on the littler one. Trying to make sure they each get what they want - the dog, too, staring at me waiting for a walk. I’d like to walk, too, buddy, but eli is a little sick and it’s raining ice right now…ihave no presents yet for hubby or kids. we were trying to budget this year, but now looks like we may be okay.I’m just confused!
So that’s the complain-y stuff. Silly, I know. I am so lucky. My kids are super cute. My dog is 13 and while he will die in the next year to three which breaks my heart, I have been lucky to have him, my family is well, my husband is amazing. I am well (the pink eyes are almost gone!).
Wow. long blog. i feel less like a scrooge and less like eating sugary madness. May still have a cup of cocoa or just tea as I’m cold.
Tis the season, Fa la la la