thrive

so, i see that big ole number on my counter and i kind of can’t believe it’s me. i know that the sag over my tummy and the too tightness of my clothes make the number true, but, argh, how did that happen.

i guess it’s not the number so much as the not feeling like myself really. there is this person inside who is not too big for her clothes, who is not filled with embarrassment or anxiety about the weight, who is ready to be who i want to be. Seems like that person doesn’t always win, though…

I’m happy now beacuse i feel like that me is starting to come out or have room to grow (or slim as it were). I feel strong and healthy when I choose to go to the gym or to take a longer walk with my dog and kid or to stretch or run around and play. I feel slim, even when the scale still says 171, because I chose to go to sleep last night instead of eat and watch TV. It is so noticeable to me in the morning, just that simple change of behavior and my mood is so improved, too! If only every choice came so easily every day. I did have a piece of pizza for lunch today, but I’m going to be okay with that and continue to make little steps. I LOVED going to the gym last night from 8-9. Orignally I thought it would mess me up, give me too much energy to go to sleep, but I tested that theory by getting into bed at 10:20 and it worked - I was exhausted (as usual) and sleep was a wonderful treat. Maybe late night eating, TV, and no portion control aren’t the only treats for me! I am working on some new ways to feel indulged - other than food. The gym may someday be just that - wouldn’t that be great?

Now, just got to get there some how today…

is this font big or what? so i joined buddy slim and now i’m really here. i realized when i moved last summer how important community was to me and so i’m exciting to create that around healthy choices, supporting myself and others around diet and exercise, and finally taking the steps need to start to live my life better. maybe that’s why i chose thrive. i feel like i want to really thrive in my life, not just survive or make it through. there are days where that has to be okay as well, but, in general, thriving feels much better, more empowering, more in line with what i really believe. i went to this yoga/mediation retreat center last weekend - my first time by myself for more than 6 or 7 hours since my son was born - and out of it didn’t come GIANT revelations of how my life would just automatically change or how my mind would be radically different. What came instead was a weekend of having some time to notice myself, decide what I did and didn’t want to do, be physically and mentally active in ways that worked for me and plan my day around my choices. I had some over-eating as i am prone to do, but within that it wasn’t this wreckless overindulgence as much as a beginning of acceptance. There will be times that the control or the choices are not the best, but how can i live within that and keep going. How can i stop and think and ask myself “What do I really belive about what I am doing right now?”

I am working on valuing myself and removing some of the judgement that follows me around. Maybe some folks out there have felt that, too, and can help me out! I wonder what just writing instead of snacking may do…my hands do like to be busy and my mind certainly always is - unless i’m eating homemade cookie dough or raiding the pantry…or alternately swimming, meditating, reading, or practicing yoga, or really playing with my child or my dog. there is this thing about being present to that very moment of doing something rather than looking ahead all the time at what’s next.

time to thrive and not just survive. is that so corny? here’s the end of my first confession