thrive

So the good news is that Buddy Slim has taken over most of my un-necessary eating time and my likely-to-binge times. I log on during my son’s naps and at night and those were HUGE overeating times of day. I’m also watching less TV at night and that helps me eat less as with me, TV = food. Although last night I did watch Biggest Loser - you all got me so excited! I wanted to eat while I watched it but that just seems wrong so I had tea. Bummer about Curtis and Mallory - they were rockstars.

Anyway, I am digressing…

So lots of good - tons of good - pounds of good!

Here’s the rub…I am staying up late to log in. I am ignoring my kid and husband at times to log in. This is what I was doing with TV and food before. It was this GIANT distraction. The big worry is that I am starting to stay up late again and I was trying to go to bed earlier, by 11.  Sleep has been so missed over the last 3 years that choosing it has been so wonderful and such a big part of me changing and being really present to my life and my life here at home. I am worried that I won’t really make this life transformation. See, for me, I really am excited to be different - to be the person I always wanted to be. I just don’t want to sabotauge (how do you spell that) myself by missing out on zzzzs. I know I just need to log in less. Last night I turned off the computer at 10:30 and went to bed WITH my DH rather than let him go to sleep alone while I hang out with the computer (it used to be the TV).

Buddy Slim and all my buddies are so remarkable and this place is what is helping me become the me I’ve always wanted and yet, like everything, there must be balance, yes? I keep learning that in all these different ways…Let’s see how I do. I don’t want to miss out on anyone’s blogs, or the forums, or my own need to write. Here goes!  My goal is to be in bed by 11 every night! If you see my lurking close to that (Squiggly, you’re always up with me ) Holler at me to get  the  heck to bed!!!!! Love you all!!!!

or looking at things differently.yep, i’m not really physically appearing much different than I did 11 pounds ago. But, what is changing is the way I am looking at life, food, exercise, myself.

I had this little mini hiatus from Buddy Slim the last few days and with that a hiatus from better eating and exercise. The funny thing is I couldn’t wait to get back to it today. I was so excited because I have been learning what works for me - at least so far. I am also just learning about me. One of the most exciting pieces is that I have HOPE and BELIEF that I can and will continue to change my life and my habits. I can’t say that I’ve ever felt that way before, especially around eating and exercise. It sure feels and looks good.

Now, let me be really clear here, I have in no way licked the problem, the weight, my sense of self, or any of the big problems that are life, but what i am finding is that these mini successes i’m having and offering myself are adding up to this greater sense of possibility and even probability that i will reach my goal.

that i can change.

wow, who would have thought that drinking 10 glasses of water for a week, or going swimming that one time, or walking the dog more vigorously, or munching in carrots would have such an impact. and, again, I’m still not “there” - I mean I spent the last four days drinking red wine, eating chocolate, and playing with my friends. What feels so different is that tonight when they left, I walked the dog an hour, did my stretches, and did my team challenges and I wanted to do it.

I think I have healthy habits brewing, who knew?

I still can’t beleive I do anything everyday, but i do stretch now. It really all started little by little and with the team challenges which have been HUGE motrivators for me (shout out to all of you!)

i know i have some extra work to put in this week to compensate for the last 2-3 days, but that, too, seems totally do-able. This HOPE stuff rocks.

cool. i like the way this looks so far. at least today, and that’s really all I know…

with food. or with myself. or with both.

Don’t have much time right now and stayed up too late last night so I’m fuzzy. Two steps forward and one step back.

But this idea keeps coming to me - not such a new one, but felt compelled to write it out…food is there to nourish, enliven, give strength, love (?), promote health, and generally be good for you and yet i just abuse the heck out if it. I feel all crave-y and desperate - I HAVE TO HAVE IT (well, of course we need it to survive, but more than that basic need). I can get possessive and obsessive about it. It just feels like I am such a bad partner in this relationship - not a whole lot of respect going on for this life-giving stuff!

There’s that fantasy aspect, too (get your minds out of the gutter, i don’t mean 9 1/2 weeks), but I mean the allure of the food or my distorted expectations of it. You know how we project onto our partners whatever we want, or we put them on a pedestal, or have these ideas that they can be it all, well, I do that with food sometimes…I look to it to be perfect, the thing I need right then and there to make me feel better or happy or energized or comforted or loved. I have these expectations that that bowl of popcorn or cookie dough or bag of snack food will be sooooooo good and usually, really, it’s not all that.

I just want a healthier relationship filled with respect and balance…

Oh no! All weekend I was kind of bracing myself for the fall. You know, I was riding high, enjoying the momentum, feeling good and some where I knew that it would end, stop, or at least drag. I have realized how difficult the weekend can be to keep with my desire to be healthy, strong, active, and fit. My time seems more limited even though my hubby is home so, in theory, it’s more childcare (parenting by him). And, this weekend I did do better than last to get to the gym both Sat and Sun, but still the scale moved up this morning…

I got my period this weekend and thought it would give me those extra couple of pounds but both Sat and Sun my weigh in was okay, then today, up to 170 or even more again. And, you see, 170 is what made me come here. For the last year or maybe 2, I have been up and down between 155-165 with 169 being the highest. And then 170 came and came again and stayed. It really freaked me out because I had never been here before and because it menat that the 160s had stuck.

I don’t know about you all but I tend to have a 5-10 pound extra range for my weight.  That 5-10 pounds moves around alot. For years I was between 145-155, then I had the divorce diet that took me to a svelte 125-130 (oh my - those tight little red pants sure were fun!). Then back up gradually to the 130s and 140s and then a back injury and into the 150s and then a baby and no sleep and into the 160s. Now my post-baby maternity pants have been tight and I hit that 170 and up to 175 and it made me realize I was so far away from those 140s. It kind of snuck up on me and kind of didn’t. Really, I was just gorging myself recently (before I came here) and so those last 10 pounds made their way into my body and seem like they want to stay. I was liking the last few days b/c I was under 170, but today -argh. Hopefully, it water weight from my little womanly friend. But it could be the wine this weekend or the 2.5 bowls of vegertarian chili mac I had for dinner last night. Either way, I’m totally bummed!

I will go to the gym tonight and I will keep on trying, but I’m worried about getting in that negative space that makes it hard to remember my preferences and my true desires and is instead focused mainly on self-indulgence and feeling better fast.

Hope to keep it up! Any suggestions are MUCH appreciated! And, if I seem to disappear the funk has me beat!

be well.

I feel like I haven’t written anything in so long. My earlier posts this week were such rants!

I can see these little changes happening and it’s so very exciting. I am getting all swept up in the momentum of the change and can’t wait to see what comes next. It’s such a nice place to be - very active in the change but not too focussed on exact outcomes. I do have one hope of dropping down some lbs by my High School Reunion, but other than that I just want to make my lifestyle fit me better. I really DO like to be active. I really DO like to eat smaller portions. I really do like to choose a carrot as a snack. I really do like to feel slim in the morning because I didn’t overeat the night before. I really do like going to the gym, to yoga, and to swim (this one I haven’t done lately). I really do like to repeat myself

It’s just so amazing to see that I now do my stretches for my back everyday - I never did anything everyday. I got so excited all day Wed because I knew I was going to the gym that night. I keep going to bed by 11 and not watching TV. These are all huge for me.

And, the big topper, was last night - there was this huge snow storm that hit here and we got at least a foot in a few hours. Well, my Phys Therpay was cancelled b/c of the snow and earlier in the week I didn’t get to go do my back exercises b/c of sick kid + no childcare. So that was all week with no strength training. I felt like I should really go, but the car was covered completely in snow, the road wasn’t plowed yet and I’m still jsut so new at this whole snow thing. (I grew up in Sav’h, GA and then lived in San Fran, CA for 15 years - so snow was only for skiing vacations). Anyway, my husband recommended I walk to the gym. It’s only about a 20 min walk usually, but I was kind of freaked by the snow. He told me how beautiful it would be and that I’d be safe, so I should do it. So, I went. It was gorgeous and quiet and lovely and a good workout - took me about 30 min to get there, did the strength training, then walked home with some groceries. If felt sooooo good to have gone - challenging both my fear and my muscles! And, I needed it after the dinner of Latkes (potato pancakes) I made!

Anyway, it’s pretty awesome. I’ve always loved the quote, “Be the change you hope to see in the world,” by Gandhi and I was never quite doing it. Always looking outside for change and now here it’s coming from inside. so nice. glad to be here.