thrive

Wow, that sounds a little harsh - the surrendering to my life part, huh? Really I’m just feeling the need to get Zen about my Life. I tend to live in the what ifs or the why nots or the that’s not fair or how i want it instead of living right smack where I actually am at the moment. I fight sleep to get “down time” when really I need to the sleep to make me a happier camper NOT the down time. I overeat as a reward, rebellion, passive-aggressive stance on myself - whatever - but not in my reality. I am not 16, i cannot eat whatever I want. I am not a marathoner or biker or swimmer that goes for 30 miles a day and can eat a ton. I may not have my shit together most of the time, or have a successful career at the moment or have the best sleepers and mellowist kids on the block BUT i do have the privilege of having disorganized shit, being a stay at home mom, and having two beautiful little boys who are the sweetest things ever. I may not be able to get to the gym whenever i want but I CAN choose to go and I CAN afford some childcare - I just need to do it. I need to accept where I am. It is all good. With my body, I need to accept that I am currently overweight. This is the truth. I need to see that my belly is falling further over my pants and that I can only wear 3 pairs of pants. If I want to change this it is withon my power. I just need to do it. The reality check must happen. I am sleep deprived, that is a reality, and that will be so until eli sleeps through the night therefore I will be tired this time of day. That is a reality. Eating cookies or dough will not make me less sleep deprived. But sleeping will. That is a reality. I have two small kids - that is a reality but I can also make time for myself. I need to stop fighting my own life and instead live the darn thing before it is gone. I am not sure if any of this is making sense, but i am hurrying (as always). This time I am hurrying so that I can go lay down for a quick nap while I have two sleepers. Yesterday I did take a nap and I was a whole different person in the afternoon - not ashamed or “hungover” from a sugar binge, not tired and grumpy, but happy and playful. I’d like to make some more of that rather than some more belly…

HAPPY NEW YEARS to you all!!!!

Make your dreams come true or at least step a little closer to them by acting in line with your truest desires.

I should have started with this, but let me end here with a big thank you to all of my great buddies here. You are all so wonderful. I would like to give some extra big hugs to Kama and Angela who lost family this year. To all my buds - take good care of yourselves - if you don’t no one will do it for you.

i did that part today. otherwise i busted into my pumpkin bread i made. i need to stop making the stuff - this was a really yummy batch. i LOVE roasting the pumpkin and making something out of it. yesterday i made pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin bread plus cranberry applesauce. i was in a cooking frenzy! we also had latkes for Hannukah last night. All that plus going out Saturday night and have a food fest when i got home. I am up today - oh yeah! Saturday night was really interesting…i wanted a bit of timeon my own to watch tv.eat something before bed. my wind down time that i haven’t changed yet. i was feeling really picky about the eats and decided that if i was going to eat i’d go for what my body really wanted rather than just graze b/c something would take too long. so i made a pizza bagel. i though, ok, i know this is a little elevated on the calories but that’s okay i am really listening to what i wanted in the moment, not binging, etc. Unfortunately, the bagel was wholly unsatisfying. I don’t know if it was the whole wheat bagel, the chucky vegetable sauce or the slightly cold cheese, but it just wasn’t doing it for me. i still ate it (of course). Here’s where it gets good -then i seet to grazing. after i had really tried to just do the one thing, i ended up in more of a binge mode…granola bars and almond butter…nothing hit the spot though so i did just stop. it was just so interesting.

then yesterday was all the baked goods and latkes or potato pancakes (once a year thing) so i will be up abit going it to this week. we will see where i start the longest loser on Saturday!

I am not giving up. Just noticing…

there are so many of us here, debbies, debras, debbis, debs, deborah, you name it and we gotcha covered!  it’s good to have all the debbies in full swing right now. we are all on this road together.

this little debbie here (and yes that was a nickname for me when i was a kid - the freckles, pigtails, and all made me look like her) is feeling really happy today. i was indeed down that other pound today. i had a feeling it would drop just a bit more. i am psyched about the momentum. i know, too, that it will last for sometime and that it will falter. at that point during my next wave of flailing we will see if i have what it takes - persistence and dedication. debbi wrote about that today. i see that in out champions here - lori, kama, wonder woman, nancy, anj, catrina (i am sure there are so many more) - they don’t give up, they stick to it EVEN when it’s tough and hard and bad. persistence is about just that, right?going on even when you want to quit. persistence is getting back up again and again and again. i thnk you need to believe that you can do it in order to persist. you have to know that it’s possible. well, let me tell you, it is. look at all of our great role models here. we can do this!!

come on all you buddies and all you debbies - let’s roll!!!

well, first, i have to go snow shovel we are so deep in snow here! later gators!

I am so excited. I lost a pound this week. I may make Saturday my weigh in and if I do, I’ll come back tomorrow and see if there is more of me gone. I made a few choices this week that helped me out. Namely, I let my peeps help me the last few days during my prone munching time. Being ready to change and having the support to do it sure make the road to success seem drivable. I have a little momentum going - zoom zoom!

Rather than just confessing my bad eats afterward, I wrote to some buddies before I did the deed and that stopped me. Really, I had to be ready to want to stop and I am, so I reached out for help. Luckily, I have you all!!!  For my changes, I will go for little bits at a time. A few days without giant binges is good for me. One step at time!

I am also finding that the little success motivates me for more, reminds me that i can do this, and gets me all pumped up. The other thing I constantly need to remember is that if I just get stuff done I will feel better and be less overwhelmed. It doesn’t matter which thing I do first, just do something on the list, otherwise i eat! So, the last two days I hossed it and did almost all of my holiday shopping and so much of it online here at home. Duh! Should have done that before…I even sent a friend a baby gift I’ve been wanting to send for months! woo hoo!

Allright-y y’all. Have a great weekend. There is a BIG SNOW that just arrived here. Did about 5 miles of walking this morning - shopping in the neighborhood plus kid to and from preschool. This afternoon maybe we will go sledding! Feeling good. Isn’t it funny how just one or two good days of eating and you can feel all good and thin even though my pants still don’t fit LOL!!??!!

thanks fellow slimmers for the help yesterday making it through the naptime munchies. i actually was just too wrapped up in this place to go and eat. that’s how it worked last year, too. I have to ban food from the computer again. I have slipped on that recently and think it’s a BAD habit to let happen. So, no more food at the computer.

Am doing some internet shopping and that feels great. Although, I think we waited too long and are about to disappoint our son over Geo Trax. It’s the only thing he asked for for Christmas. And, Target was out of them this morning - oops! Out of stock on line, too. Will trya and find some. I don’t know if Austin really cares or it’s just ath we kept prompting him to have an idea of what he wants to tell Santa. This whole thing can make me a bit Scrooge-y as it is over the top on the materialism thing. And yet, I like gifts - giving and recieving, but I am a bit tired of STUFF. Most of my job as a stay at home mom is managing stuff, loads of plastic stuff, too. Anyway, I digress into my views on all that…Don’t want to dis the kiddo. Will see what we can do. Am afraid to buy from a rando person on Amazon or Ebay as who knows if the shipping will really be on time. Found some posters on Craigslist - hopefully they still have the stuff. I love the idea of buying something like that used since it’s pricey, plastic, and we just don’t know how into it he’ll really be.

okay, am going to make some tea. Another rough sleep night, so need to have a little caffeine to keep moving. Hubby home late tonight, too, so it’s all me.

ps - didn’t bake for his party but did make some soup and delivered it to my friends yesterday - a bit crazed but glad to do it. Plus it was tasty and made enough for us. Spinach and Tortellini soup.

Wow. Puts life into perspective, right?

Here I am being a Scrooge. A grumpy tired Mom. An annoyed person. Whatever it is I am at the moment. I am being a LifeWaster as well. Well, Life Postponer might be a better phrase. Come on, you all know it …

“I’ll do that tomorrow.”

“I’ll do that when…”

“Oh, yeah, that’s important to me, I’ll figure that out and get on that once I do that…tomorrow.”

I’ve been thinking about mortality lately. The very true fact that we are here for a limited time and that this is our chance to do, be whatever it is we want. Many of my friends’ Dads have passed on this year and it is really hitting me deeply about my own family and my own mortality. I am understanding the mid-life crisis thing I heard of so often as I was growing up. I am getting that I only have so many chances to do things and then my chances are gone. The time is limited so act now…maybe that should’ve been the title to my blog. Maybe I’ll change it.  Maybe, later. See? There it is? The postponing. That bumper sticker Don’t Postpone Joy needs to be tatooed on my head. I am a constant waiter. Waiting to know what to do, to do the right thing, to do anything. Waiting until I’m not tired or busy or sick or fat or…whatever. And, you see, now I am really realizing that if you just keep waiting one day you will be gone without ever having done what it is you truly wanted.

Amazingly simple, yes? And so impossible, yes?

Should I still tell you why I was complaining of feeling like a Scrooge and Bad Mom. Christmas/Hannukah totally stress me out. I can’t get my sh*t together EVER to get thing out in the mail in time. I haven’t lived in the same state as my family since I was 18, so I always have to ship things. I am lazy and have a touch of perfectionism where I want just the right things and, so, it all gets done at the last minute or not at all. Neither of my folks really NEED or WANT anything. Maybe some photos, but even that stresses me out. And, today, I got upset and totally guilted my 3 yo about making cards for his grandparents. Nice. I really need to set up a therapy fund for the poor kid.

Am feeling pressure today of needing to get things in mail, buy more things, my photo project turned out lame, not sure if i should bake something, need to make dinner for friends who just had 3 rd baby today, bake something for husband’s work party, it snowed, my baby is a little sick and cranky this morning - really he just wanted to sleep and with the 3 yo home this morning it’s tough on the littler one. Trying to make sure they each get what they want - the dog, too, staring at me waiting for a walk. I’d like to walk, too, buddy, but eli is a little sick and it’s raining ice right now…ihave no presents yet for hubby or kids. we were trying to budget this year, but now looks like we may be okay.I’m just confused!

So that’s the complain-y stuff. Silly, I know. I am so lucky. My kids are super cute. My dog is 13 and while he will die in the next year to three which breaks my heart, I have been lucky to have him, my family is well, my husband is amazing. I am well (the pink eyes are almost gone!).

Wow. long blog. i feel less like a scrooge and less like eating sugary madness. May still have a cup of cocoa or just tea as I’m cold.

Tis the season, Fa la la la

Wowee. Someone should set a watch by me. For a girl that doesn’t like to be normal, you can freaking bet money that come this time of day I’ll be raiding the cupboards. It’s as soon as tired hits - i hit the munchies. Wowee, is all i can say. Remember my blog from a few hours ago? Rearing to go. Now I’m rearing to go eat. Still going to make it work. Really need to address this tired thing as it’s going to keep happening.

Hmm…

okay, i’m rearing to go. yep, been there before but never really said as much. i am ready now. here i go. there will be ups and downs i am sure but it is time to get serious! the muffin top is going along with all the muffins

hope all my buddies are rocking it. i may be on computer later today if we have a nap time. otherwise will check in at night. wish i could give you all boosters without crashing! you all are great!!!!!

Oh my goodness. I was getting dressed this morning and everything doesn’t fit. I am getting really big. I should be loosing weight after having a baby but here I am gaining it! I have been peeking out from under my denial and in between bowls of brownie dough, cookies, cookie dough, popcorn etc.

First off let me say that if you ever see me write, “I don’t usually, but…” that’s a sign that I am off my rocker.

Or, if Shan offers you the too much sugar shirt, don’t get defensive “oh, i don’t really eat that much.” Get serious.

CAn I tell you what a junkie I am?

I am a total sugar whore right now. As soon as my kid goes for nap or quiet time i am making the dough - the last two days. A few nights ago I ate all but one of the cookies my husband brought home from a work function - saved only the one he decorated for my son. I ate my kid’s goldfish. I eat all the rice and pasta and bread and…

I remember when sigar used to give me a buzz. Long ago, i really didn’t eat it very often and I would get this buzz from it. Not now, i’ve built such a tolerance that it takes more for that to happen. I remember that I didn’t like the feeling that sugar gave me so i didn’t do it too often or that ’s what i think anyway, who knows my denial is so deep.

Anyway, i wasn’t a regular sugar eater - the hard stuff, candy, cookies, etc until i had kids (and when i was a kid). I would clearly overindulge from time to time but not daily. Well, now i am hooked.

Are there SA meetings for Sugar Anonymous?

It is wild to watch my beavior - it’s like when I used to smoke. It’s with all food but aprticularly the carb-y food…

Bot sure yet when I’ll get myself to rehab. Clearly not today, as i just ate more brownie dough…

UGH!!!!!!

Oh well, must have been a fluke. I sent one booster and one email without crashing then BOOM crashola. Oh well, I may need to make a new profile and see if that works. I’m feeling attached to the old one so having trouble letting go…hmmm…maybe some issues here:) whatever. am tired, long two days of mommyhood. cute kids though i have to say, but tiring.