thrive

it’s okay. It was a mistake and while I’m not at all advocating binge with the idea that tomorrow you can do better - I AM advocating - go easy on yourself. Make better choices around your bad choices and it will be okay.

I have been in an eating-way-too-much funk for about a week now. My husband even noticed it the other day - how could you not, really? But he just wanted to make sure I was okay. And, you know what? I am now. I wasn’t at my best. I was using food a little too much for my comfort but I’m right back out of that. And even in the midst of it I was staying active and trying to balance out the bad choices with the good. I can’t say this enough - for me this has really been the plan that has worked. I lost 17 pounds in a consistent streak for about 2.5 months before i got pregnant. And i had the sense from that success that i would bea ble to keep losing 1-3 pounds a week until i was at goal.

I HAVE NEVER had that much confidence in my abilities before.

And the thing is, I lost it by making some small changes at first that led to bigger changes. I fell SO OFTEN! I still fall so often, but i GET BACK UP. I keep going and keep balancing out my choices. I just feel so good again today and partly it’s b/c after eating the whole bag yesterday AND not just having salad for dinner but also the soup and cheese and chips I finally stopped. I DID NOT snack last night. I’ve eaten two regular meals today. I chose an apple over a scone for snack. And Chai tea over a mocha. I threw away a little of my lunch b/c i was full. I spent the morning walking around. I feel good even though my stomach is still a bit angry about yesterday. I feel okay with myself and my slump. I feel the extra pound that i gained, but it is less because i stopped. i got back up out of the slide and this was a long slide - but here i am and i will keep on. i’m not that damn energizer bunny, cuz it’s kind of annoying, but i will keep going!

And, buddies, i feel so lucky to have you all through all of this! What a great support you all are to me. Thanks so much for all the patience, the nudges, the dedication and the inspiration!

I’m offering up this challenge to my Diamond team mates and now to all of you!

CHALLENGE:

Write one thing about your self care (eats, exercise, other) that was sparkly today! (we are the diamonds so it’s about sparkling, yes?)
 _______________

well, no more worries about the Newman-Os in the cabinet! I solved that problem! Yeparoo, the bag is gone!!!

Now, I didn’t actually take a sane approach like throwing it away, sending it to work with my hubby, giving it to the nieghbors, nope, i took care of it all by myself, Wasn’t that thoughtful of me? Duh! I actually don’t feel too bad right now, but i definitely won’t be buying those again…seems to be one of those things that i just can’t have in the house. You know, i used to not even like chocolate and oreos were gross to me- bluck. No such luck anymore…

Note to self - why are you buying stuff like that when you KNOW what will happen? Yes, you, little Ms healthy, what ere you trying to get away with, and whom were you trying to fool? You aren’t a rebellious teenager seeking control - you are in fact in control of your life - act like it! HA HA HA - that makes me smile to write that!

Another lesson learned, another item that isn’t good for me to own but better to have at a friends where limits are easier to keep!

ha ha ha! so i know that it will. and i was really feeling the passing this morning. passing of the bad choices, the bad attitude and just the bads. i was remembering how many times i had been there before and that, yes, it does pass. writing all these blogs helps me really see that. up and down and around i go! i do so appreciate all the kind words and i do hope i don’t create too much worry for you my buddies, because i have now learned that this too shall pass. it just helps me to get it out and have support around the experiences. and, wow, i tell ya, i am learning so much about myself.

now this morning started so wonderfully and has had it’s hiccups - trying to work around the house and on the copmputer inevitably causes the little tyke to act up, use me as a jungle gym, or somehow demand my attention. i wasn’t so available to him a little earlier and so then tears and meltdowns (him) and oreos (me) and here i am - really know that this too shall pass, but choosing the darn oreos and the impatience instead. time to regroup and get rid of those darn cookies. they are the paul newman oreos so are not filles with hydrogenated fat, BUT they are nonetheless not a thing i need to being eating every time i pass the cabinet. not a good time to be buying cookies for the house. sometimes i can do it and resist and eat them slowly, but not these last two days. will pack them up for our morning outing with another family to get them out of here!

oh and a funny one about our whole unsettling not knowing where we are going to live thing - my hubby got an email today about a job in scotland. LOL. I was like, “Love, we moving to Edinburgh?”  We all had to laugh over that one

have a great day buddies! this too shall pass!

Yep, it’s true - pregnant me was doing both. Luckily, it was just in a dream, but man, i must be stressed if i’m dreaming about drinking and smoking. I haven’t smoked in years!!! In the dream I knew I shouldn’t since I was pregnant but i decided it was okay for just a little bit -ugh! Woke up to that on Saturday morning but then had a lovely day UNTIL…

the stress, the mood, the grumpies all hit again - and with all that the out of control eating took center stage. I am just glad that my weigh in is on Saturday, so I have some time to make things right again in my body. Late night eating and tv, sneaking ice cream and choc cips. Yes, I am pregnant, but, no, i do not need to consume large quantities of CRAP when I am feeling mad, stressed, and scared which is what was going on. Then I just kind of gave up to the feelings.

I gave up for a day or two. I kept re-starting okay, but really was in an I don’t care mood. See, we STILL have no answers on our potential move yet and we’re in this waiting place on some job offers, so we have no control yet. We also have no decision yet and it is really taking it’s toll. I’m almost 5 mos preggers and we’d like to be settled soon but at this rate, who knows. The unsettled feelings are just getting to us at different points. There are moments away from that whicha re wonderful, but then there it is under everything - this giant sens of not knowing and not being where we are. As Zen as we try to be about living the life in teh moment and being here while we are here, it is getting increasingly difficult as we await some news that will allow us to decide and move forward. Either way, we will be moving as the place we’re in isn’t ideal and if we are staying here it’s time to get a better place…

So, I ate and then ate some  more and then some more. The pregnancy offers an easy excuse - i can’t loose weight anyway - but that is a total cop out on healthy eating, controlled eating, and eating that just feels good. Sleeping was off as well all weekend. So here I am.

I am certain to keep going. I am certain I will not give up. But, I am bummed by some decisions I made this weekend and I’m not quite feeling ready for the good choices yet. I have a feeling the next few days will be an eating and self care struggle. I will keep doing the best I can. I will not get discouraged. I will keep attempting to choose well!

Please everyone keep trying and do not give up on yourselves - it is in the giving up that we really lose ourselves completely and become who we do not want to be…

okay i CAN stand it but it’s hard to do anything else but beam!!!

What caused this elation???? Well, a night at the movies last night with a girlfriend, some fun time in the sack with the man when i got home, a morning walk with all my boys (dog, hubby, kid) around this lovely pond, sunny skies, and then Prenatal yoga!!! What’s not to love about all that?!

See, I am claiming Sat morning as Daddy day so I can do yoga plus a little of whatever else i like. Today i baked 2 lasagnes (spinach, fat free ricotta) one for a friend with new baby and one for us. I hung out here a little and mainly just wasn’t in charge! Woohooo! The time in prenatal yoga with the little one is so great, too, time for just me and this babe!

The wonderful mood is also related to this clarity i had in yoga. i LOVE yoga, i have always loved yoga, and i got clear on making that a bigger part of my life. So yahoooo yoga!  Yahoo Daddy Saturday! Just Yahoooooooooooo!!!!!

Oh, and another thing - I was so very happy to see one of my buddies step up her walking yesterday and today and another buddy step it up today in the face of not feeling like it! We all know how hard it is to keep going when you really don’t want to - so YAY to my favorite twins, Lyssa and Lara!!! You inspire us all!!!!!!!!

so that applies to just about everything:

buddyslim buddies rocking!

i go through waves of insecurity and self doubt due to stress or other random misinterpretations of things and always it passes.
eating cookie dough makes me feel like sh** - ok, had been really wanting it all week and just made some and didn’t finish it and am so sugared out and tummy hurts. duh! i know this…

what else? there is more. i am learning alot more i guess than i am not learning…that’s cool.

doing well today despite the sound of the cookie dough. that was a “i’m physically tired and my tummy is a little off” desire that i gave into. Also, like i said it was haunting me all week. Good thing I walked 8 miles yesterday! Better get some more in today!!!

Good news on our amnio - BABY is healthy and happy and Doc even called the lil thing GORGEOUS! That was fun!

What else, hubby is getting fat.

You know, we always wanted that, right? Men that weigh more than us - well, nope, it’s no good. I feel horrible that I turned him into a night snacker. Also, now when I do want to eat junk I feel like it’s a bad influence on him - so funny how it all changes. All this happened while I’ve gotten my eats much more under control and i exercise more than him. so funny. he, of course, is still cute as could be and did go to the gym twice this week leading up to 3 lb loss already - yes, hate him! Just kidding. It’s a funny thing, though, I really want him to be healthy, too! As I told him, though, he still looks good to me but if he feels bad, that’s no good. Really, too, he’s only up 10 pounds…but it did make this nice big belly. Sympathy weight for the pregnancy? He’s working on his own baby? Ha Ha Ha. I’ve only gained about 5 lbs!

Okay, those are my ramblings for the day!

Also, say Happy Birthday to the greatest Jane i know!!! Just Jane!!!

And send your prayers to Angela and her daughter! Angela the Angel here among us!!!

we’re off for our morning dog walk but wanted to give a quick hello and shout out to all my buddies for yesterday’s support. my insecurities can really do a number on me! thanks thanks thanks!

have a wonderful day - treat yourself well and see how it feels!

it just really hit me this morning how out of place i am starting to feel here as a pregnant girl. i know there are a few of us preggers and you all are so great!!!! But i just worry that because i am not losing any more and not going through that same struggle i just shouldn’t be here. i get that my life and focus are different now and i’m not in that place of trying to lose weight - the common goal. We are also all here to be healthier and that is still so true for me, but i feel like i could be annoying people with my chatter, when really life is grand and i don’t have that much left to lose and now i’m pregnant so i can’t lose and even have to gain…

it’s all very confusing and i’m just a little emotional now… totally fine, just emotional. i bet it’s the last 2 lousy nights of sleep plus this weekend is likely to be the “decide where to move” weekend assuming the job offer comes Friday.(for my husband)..maybe i just know that i don’t quite fit any where right now - it’s the unsettling feeling of maybe moving. it’s a lifelong thing for me, too, that sense of belonging being a bit elusive…okay, now i ramble.

anyway, buddies, i just want you to know that you all are truly super and i am not in the same boat any more but i still feel ya!

Hey my buddies. I am so sorry to be so absent lately. The trip to CA, then no naps, then Mom visiting, just very out of sync. It  does take it’s toll. I am hanging in there eating fairly well and making some good choices at times and not so good ones at others. One night of my Mom’s visit I actually went to bed at 9:30 versus the old me that would’ve outlasted everyone and stayed up til midnight watching TV and eating to have down time. It felt so good to make that choice as I got sleep and didn’t eat late which i totally would have! Then there was the entire pizza my hubby and i ate after Mom left on Sunday - not such a good choice. I’m trying to balance it out.

I have missed so many of your stories here and missed telling you mine. I do apologize. Always feel free to email me for anything - i try and check that daily.

So, one thing I have been so struck by is this GIANT link between Depression and Weight troubles. I was talking to my mom about that as she is a diabetes educator - i told her to make sure people get screened for depression. I, too, have that big link. Depression can just hammer down on me in so many ways and eating is right there to alleviate the pain, fill the voids, numb me, distract, deter etc. I used to think it was my friend, now i think it is depression’s friend and part of an unending cycle.

I am finding some ways to step out of it.

First thing was the belief that I could step out of it and the hope that i would be successful. I always thought that was just how I am and then recently when I went through that few days of crazy I hit a bottom that pushed me back up. It was like the bottom of drugs/alcohol/ food abuse. I was just ready to be done and belived that I could. Very exciting and i am trying to hang on to that for  dear life EVEN or especially when Depression circles back around for me. I wanted to share some practical things that are helping me. Also, I just told the Diamonds about some research, too.

1. Sleep. Get it fo you can. Moms, insominacs, you hear this all the time. For me, it IS the number one link to depression I have discovered.

2. Find hope and belief in yourself. It really is possible to have a different experience of yourself and your life. I never believed it but i can say, now, that it is true. Do not listen to people who tell you otherwise about yourself!

3. Cling like mad to that hope not to that sorrow

4. The research is in, EXERCISE is as effective as prozac in treating depression and anxiety. I believe it is one hour 4 times a week. For me, I started with even 10 or 20 min at a time. With nice weather - I find outside most helpful.

5. Community. Balance between social and time alone. Support. Pay att’n to how you feel with different people - the ones that are belittling, criticizing etc don’t deserve you! That takes you away and gives depression more.

6. Journaling or blogging (feelings, thoughts, food, exercise, whatever works for you) I am thinking of starting a gratefulness journal.

7. Learning to be okay with who I am (still working on this). Had this great moment on a dog walk the night before my Mom came to town. See I was incredibly stressed and anxious. I tried to meditate out on this hill and my mind was so restless, what came, though, was this mantra - This is who I am. The idea is that it is okay, I don’t need to apologize, accomodate or be ashamed of - I am who I am. For instance, I spend too much $ at cafes everyday and I’m a little messy and we have alot of toys or whatever it is, it’s just me and that’s okay even if Mom doesn’t agree.

8. More research - Omega 3s with DHA, B12 vitamins, and folate all help depression and anxiety. Take them or eat them!

9. Sugar at night messes up my sleep. Otherwise I’m ok with it in limited quantities.

10. Being physically ill is an invitation for depression.

11. Being outside is magical!

12. Sex is good or physical intimacy -when not feeling sexual getting a massage can be wonderful.

13. Too much TV/eating definitely bums me out.

14. Showering every day and attempting a little fixing me up is great for feeling good and is the first to go when I’m blue (besides exercise).

15. Personally, I believe that meditation and yoga, but moreso meditation will be my savior. I started to do it every day last week and didn’t make it. The Mom visit threw me, but I will try again. Partly a tribute to my old therapist who died recently.

16. I forgot - therapy or group support.

17. Taking little steps to get things done. I tend to look at the big picture and get overwhelmed. Little steps, little bits of exercise, pounds, tasks, decluttering is good for me for that.

18. HA HA HA - I just re-read and realized I forgot that eating well effects my mood. When I eat well I feel good physically and mentally. There is some room for me to choose junk occassionally but not too much or my mind, body, and soul don’t like it.

I dunno, there are probably more… anyway, maybe that willhelp someone else. maybe just me to write it all out as a reminder of what i know about depression and anxiety and keeping them away!

love you all and take good care of yourselves - you really do deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!