thrive

Well, for me that is. Let me explain.

But first - a BIG THANK YOU to all my buddies who wrote me yesterday and for all the love. I really felt it and took it in and it was great. I feel ready to accept and face the challenges my body brings me and ready to let go of the poor me attitude. WAHOOO!! I just got back from the gym and even did my weights (part of the old PT) and I stretched!
Now, onto the rest thing. I am a HUGE believer in rest, relaxation, taking it easy, reducing stress, getting sleep (i finally came over to this one) and all that. But, my body and especially my back don’t really like the ways I currently choose to rest. Lying on the couch watching TV or even reading a book night after night after night is rough on my body. Sitting at the computer is bad on my body. My bod likes activity, it likes movement and stretching, and walking. My back has been at it’s best when I am most active but in a healthy moderate way. When I get lazy or get too involved in too many TV shows so that every night is TV night, my back screams at me. Rest becomes Messed.

I have fallen into my TV junkie ways again this last month so almost every night after 8:30, I am stretched out on the couch watching away - resting, relaxing, but not so for my muscles.

I am going to keep focussed on rest but on forms of rest that are truly restful: yoga, stretching, meditation, moderate tv watching with more movement while watching. Less sitting at the computer or sitting on the exercise ball. Resting by getting to sleep early. I have been successful at the bed by 11, I now think I’ll try a few nights by 10.

REST IS BEST but it has to be the right kind of rest. Lazy rest hurts my body whereas thoughtful, purposeful rest helps.

my body that is. my mind and heart and soul are in a pretty good place right now. stretching this morning helped. i want to get back into that routine. someone want to bust my chops on that one? I HAVE TO STRETCH.

so here’s the deal. i’ve got 2 bulging discs plus some stenosis (narrowing of the spine). These lovely bulgers lead to sciatica, numbness, tingling, excrutiating pain, inability to walk, all sorts of fun things.For the last few years, it’s been very contained - really since 2002 after 2 years of intense attempts at Phys Therapy, Personal Training, Pilates, Massage, Accupuncture, Chiropractors, you name it - I tried it.

In the end, 3 things helped: 1. pilates (core recognition and stability building with a few wonderful teachers) 2. personal training (building strength with someone as stubborn as me) 3. having these 2 trainers believe that i would be ok again and never giving up on me.

See, the Spine doc said it would only get worse, but hey you can swim. These trainers, though, said we believe you can do this. And, you know what? They were right. Still, at the time I wasn’t great about exercising on my own, stretching, or just generally taking care of myself. But, a year later I was taking aerobics, continuing to hike, doing group pilates classes, all sorts of stuff. I was strong and fit and my back was stable. I had some leftover numbness, but otherwise pretty good. I also knew how to manage flare ups. My other bad habits were still there, though.

Ok, so that’s the history. Well this past summer I had an “episode” for the first time in years - a big one. The back went out, the pain was severe, and when it subsided the tingling remained. So, I went to a Spine Specialist here in MA, went to Physical therpay and started again. This time, the PT REALLY effected me. This is what helped me really change my exercise habits so that on my own I do it. This is what led to changing my eating habits. This is what led me here. This is what led me to some confidence in myself. This was phenomenal! My back has been realtively stable as well.

Lately, I have had some more tingling as well as a bit of bladder issues, let’s say. No pain really, though, so don’t fret for me on that. Well, a new specialist and Physical Therapist later, I hear that my pelvic floor muscles are all out of whack and I need PT for that now. And, of course, to address my back problems again as well.

I just feel like it’s never ending. Something is always hurting or too tight or bulging or just wrong in my body. I am always not doing enough, doing the wrong things, or f__king myself up. I felt like this was getting better and now I just feel like sh*t that i have to go to PT for my Kegels for goodness sake. yes, this may be overshare, but I’m sorry I gotta talk about it.

I did start stretching in general again today, I did do my 24 hour wee log for the doctor yesterday (man, do i drink alot of water),  i’m now sitting on my exercise ball instead of my desk chair as i know that sitting messes my back up. I’m making some changes, I’m trying to remember not to give up. I’m embracing this more current me that feels like I haven’t worked out if I’ve only walked 3 miles today. But, still, darnit, I have enough doctor’s appts as it is, I have no childcare really and now i gotta go to pelvic floor PT. UGH!!!!! On top of that I’ve been tired, queasy, had a cold, had a kid with 2 colds, and a stomach thing all since the start of the year. Oh, and my husband threw his back out the other day. I just want to be well and healthy and feel good!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my family, too!

I’m trying not to have a pity party, but I do feel the emotions surging, so may be best to have a cry and then start again…

I will not give up! I will remain grateful for our general good health and good fortune! I will keep going!

Maybe I’m just hungry ALL THE TIME.  I even ate a protein bar before I went in so I woudn’t be starving. See, when I’m hungry at the store my abilities to curb desire completely fail me. Suddenly I truly believe that I NEED to make chocolate chip cookies and therefore I NEED chocolate chips. No one EVER NEEDS CHOCOLATE CHIPS! Things like this become apparent once I get home, unpack the groceries, have lunch and wonder why the hell did i buy chocolate chips, chocolate pudding, and the cereal that i tend to overeat. When I’m satiated, I can really resist the irrational temptations, but not so today.

The thing is I REALLY NEEDED to go to the store. We were at the point where we had no fresh fruit except for some bananas that seen to have decided that they would like to be green forever. No produce, except the lettuce that never made it into a lovely salad. It was a weekend of cooking from the freezer and the cabinets and making random concoctions. Last night, it was either order pizza or get creative, so i roasted the Butternut squash that was hanging around, cooked some brown rice and made a little risotto-like dish. Quite yummy, actually. Saturday, though, I ended up making sweet potato pie because all those odd ingredients were easily noticeable now that the cupboards were bare. There was also the miso, frozen thai veggie, and noodle soup.  I like to cook creatively, so it was fun, but boy am i glad to fill up again with fresh food.

Now, to hide the chocolate things…

hi all, it’s snowing here and seems gloomy all around, so here’s a little story to make you smile:

my munchkin and i walked over to the bagel shop for lunch after going to the gym (yes, that IS enough to chuckle on, but get off the bagels, that’s not the point)…

as we were having lunch the song, “My Girl” came on. You know, “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day…” Well, Austin was playing air guitar and mumbling some words sitting on my lap and I started prompting him to sing the “My girl” lines which he did on cue. Several students were in there working on their laptops and I swear I kept hearing little laughs and “Awes” from all over the place. One guy took off his headphones and was like, “That really is amazing.”

It’s always so nice to take people out of their reality for a few moments and into the joy of a silly little kid and his silly little (or big) mama.

Okay, now onto the bagels: I had the veggie bagel - so it was salad on a softwhich with one piece of cheese, half pint had a huge bowl of fruit and half a bagel with cream cheese. water to drink! i know the carb gets are gasping, but bagels are really working for me right now…

yes, this is a disgusting blog about my child’s runny nose. Not really, just the title. You see, my little sweetheart has got another cold - he gets just about everything that passes by. Our friends all have kids with high fevers and are throwing up, so I’ll take the runny nose. Hopefully it won’t get too much worse. I am a little worried about the flu coming to our home, but what are ya going to do?

What i do know, now thanks to all this blogging, is that a cold plus 20 degree weather means that we’ll be home more which means less exercise and fresh air and socializing and all those things that really help keep me healthy and sane. It’s good to know that, so that I can plan for the possible effects. You know all my whiny blogs, they all happen after a few days stuck inside. Today is lovely so far, lots of fun playing, and cutting, and sticking stickers and reading and dancing. We’ll see how life is later today. I am attempting to resist some munchie urges, too, due to my own sleepiness and perpetual state of not feeling quite right - pregnancy nausea.

that’s what’s up around here! noses to blow and bad moods to stop before they start.

Have a great day and send Kleenex!

HA HA HA - if only, right? I haven’t been here quite as much - sorry for that buddies, I’m not exactly sure why…I’m pondering a few reasons:

1. i’m not doing as much as i was before on exercise and i’m not eating as well.

2. i sometimes quit things after a couple of months if i’m not doing to well (see #1)

3. i tend to hide out if i’m feeling like i’m not doing too well (see #1 and #2)

4. it’s been nice outside!!!!!!!!! That’s a good one!!!!!!!!!!

5. i can’t lose weight given that i’m knocked up and all, so sometimes i feel like an imposter here. (how do you spell that - imposture, like a poser)

6. I’m tired and queasy all the time which isn’t so exciting to write about all the time. (see #5)

7. i make silly lists

8. AHA - I just figured out one piece to the puzzle. My kid started to go to bed on his own this week, so my hubby or I are out of his room by 8ish now instead of 9. I realized it just now b/c tonight my hubby is still in there like in the past and here i am on the computer…let me go wake him up.

9. forgot this big one, hubby is looking for work so he needs computer at night.

Anyway, just thinking of all my great buddies and hope you are all well. I had a nice day Friday and today filled with good exercise and last night my hubby and i went out!!!!!!!! Very fun!

what a great day today was???? It was so great and mainly because the sun was shining and I was outside or in motion most of the day. Turns out I AM a little outdoorsy motion girl after all. Aaaah the warm 45 degrees and the ability to walk everywhere. It was just so glorious!!!!!!!! Especially after my first weigh in for the midwife had me up a bit more than I thought I was. It felt good to move today - combats the nausea and tiredness, too! Tomorrow will be super cold and windy, but for today I’m reveling in the warmth!

not the butter.

hey buddies! on my way to read blogs, but wanted to send some love out here to you all! And, most importantly, I thought this day might be a good day to spread some love on ourselves. Remember how wonderful you truly are, think about the fact that you are here trying to change your life for the better, feel the love and support from all the buddies, know that no matter how much you feel alone, we are all here and have all felt that way at some point in our life. Take a moment to find one thing to be grateful for in your life. It can be as small as I went to sleep instead of watching tv late last night to big like i am exercising regularly now. whatever it is! notice yourself and your goodness 0- it is there even when we don’t see it!

Have a very sweet day and indulge your own sweetness with nourishing, nurturing love. OMG that just sounded like a cheezy ad didn’t it?

oh, and laugh!!!!!

I had this little mini aha today at the gym and I’ve been trying to hold onto it lest i forget. My memory is not so good - 3 years of sleep deprivation. Anyway this is a food and people and me kind of blog. Some self revelation or something like that…

I’ve been pretty overcome with stress the last couple of days as it relates to people and friend stuff. Some here and some outside of here. It’s not so fun when people don’t play nice and act in ways I really find mean or hurtful. Then also my desire to help and my desire to mind my own business were conflicting. Anyway, I think my hero Lyssa fixed some of that and I’m grateful. So that’s not the aha, though, that’s more preface and probably part of why I wasn’t online much yesterday - that plus a busy day.

Onto the AHA - really it’s not that good, after all the waiting you’re probably hoping for the root of all my troubles to come spewing forth Today, I’m just glad that lunch isn’t spewing forth (preggo)! Again, i digress…

Okay, so this is it:

I went and hung out at a friend’s house yesterday morning for a play date/ visit whatever. Well, this is a friend that has been kind of hard to seal the friendship with - you know, where things go from see ya here and there versus we really want to see each other alot. This friend, though, has felt desirable to me - she’s a “cool” kid, someone I’d like to know better, an artist - all that. The last few times I’ve been “privileged” to have time with her (it some how started feeling like that even tho she calls me, too), I haven’t really liked her all that much. One time, she talked really badly about this other Mom who is her best friend. Then yesterday she was just so judgmental, again, about this woman’s kid. But these two are like best friends. It’s pretty icky and I’m just not digging it.

Now, how does all this relate to food. Well, this was the aha - I do the same thimg with food as I do with people. If I don’t like something I’m eating that I think I should like or have built it up to be great, I KEEP EATING IT hoping I will eventually like it better. I wonder, maybe I missed something because I should be liking this much more than I am. It’s the same thing with her - I try and try thinking she is better than she actually is.

I think it all relates, actaually, to valuing myself and valuing my true opinions. Believing in my experience and not being afraid to not like something (sorry, lot’s of nots in that one). I s this making sense?

Let’s see, I want to trust my own experiences and be secure enough in my own value that I don’t keep trying to hang out with someone that I actually really don’t like or, EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, someone who does something that is really against my value system - like this judgmental backstabbing, just because I think i should like her or i need friends or she’s cool or i am hoping it will be better. Just like I don’t want to keep eating that food from the Indian buffet thinking the second helping is suddenly going to be spiced better than the first! Where’s my self trust and value? Why don’t I take myself seriously and have the guts to stand up for what I believe in even if it’s just with food? Well, you know what it’s coming!!! Wahoo to that!

So, that’s the AHA! Pretty fascinating, isn’t it?

Anyhoo, that’s me for today! Sorry to have been missing lately - will try and check up on blogs soon!

So, for everyone that has been wondering - “If I slow down will I lose my momentum, become a slug, or just blend into the couch again?” The answer is NO!!! It doesn’t have to be that way…

Let me give you the background, if you don’t know me. I’ve had a few weeks now of going at a much slower pace - not as much exercise, not quite as on track with the eats. Just feeling like the first 6 weeks I was on fire and then I was just smoldering. Occassionally a spark would flare and I’d have a bigger day, but really alot more slowness and rest. This weekend it was topped off by a cold and a complete lack of movement yesterday. I just laid on the couch and finished one book and started another. Actually, I did take the dog on two short walks, but that’s it. I even ate pizza for dinner and had way too many snack foods.

But, you know what? As soon as I was feeling better by last night and definitely by this morning, I had the plan to go the gym and I DID IT! I wanted to be there - I missed it.

I am not falling into my old pattern of self-care that was more like self-torture: late nights, too much food, no exercise. I really missed the gym and the way I feel when I am working out and eating well. So, when I felt better - I went. I also rested, which I think is soooooooo important for us all to remember. We need that balance. We need self care that is complete with time to repair our bodies and spirits and souls and time to nourish oursleves with good eats and fresh air and exercise. And within that is rest, relaxtion, trust that what we REALLY want for oursleves will come forward again and again. We will get back off that couch and go, go, go just as soon as we’ve respected our body and it’s need to feel better.

That makes me really happy to know about myself. I will keep this up. It’s super crucial for me to remember as my body is busy growing a baby and with that comes all sorts of feelings that can stop the “drive towards skinny” but it really doesn’t stop the drive towards well being. And, for me, that’s really what it’s about.

Wishing you all well being today and everyday! If you need to rest, DO IT and then get back up and GO!