thrive

i couldn’t get on the darn gym shirt LOL.

But, seriously, in case anyone wasn’t clear that I am a spaz now you can be sure. I just have such a hard time with these shirts with the built in bras! My husband got me one for Christmas to encourage the workouts and they are like the hardest things to get on…I’d get the shirt on but then the bra would be on my back, or my head, or twisted in a gazillion pieces. After about 5 tries, I finally figured it out meanwhile my son (2 yr) came in a few times and laughed at mama putting on her “boobie shirt.” Then when I emerged he said, “mama’s wearing a bathing suit.” Gotta love the kid

Anyway, thought I’d start your day with that funny image! I guess it’s nice to just move into those kind of tops from my usual giant ratty tee shirts and old sweatpants…
We’re off to walk the dog and then head to the gym since I’ll be gone all weekend.

Have a great day!!!!!!

ps - look at my ticker! down 2 more!!!Woohoo! (had to really strip down for that number to appear this morning )

So, first, thanks for all the love this afternoon - i weathered today’s tiredness with little extra eating, if any!

Now, I’m onto my next dilemma that is made worse by my huge tendency to procrastinate!

As you know, I have this High School reunion this weekend. Well, I have nothing very exciting to wear! I’m  not really wanting to buy clothes as I’ve still got more weight to peel off and yet my old clothes are so blah or fit funny or just aren’t inspiring. The reunion is not a fancy event - a tour of the campus with box lunch then later that evening there is an oyster roast (jeans kind of thing). It’s just that I don’t have jeans that work…

I hate not being where I want to be size wise (especially with TOM still lurking this week and the poofyness of that) and yet I’m having all my high school demons emerge around being a fashion doofus!!!! So, I just walked the dog to TJMAXX and he and I went shopping - yes you heard it - me and my dog! I got some stuff and will hit something tomorrow before I fly out, I guess, but I really wanted to be down more before I bought anything. This reunion wasn’t the impetus for my change and I’m happy with my progress so far, but I’m not there yet! I can see it coming but it’ll likely be 10-15 weeks or more at least! I’ll probably do the Debbie-style shopping where I buy a bunch and then return mostly everything!

Anyway, thanks for the silly rant…

okay, so do you ever say that to your food?

i totally get the nibbles, the munchies, the full on eats when i don’t feel well.

there’s the emotional eating stuff certainly. but today and really recently i’m noticing the link between physically not feeling well and eating. last week i had a touch of the stomach bug again and I wanted to eat it away. really smart, right? now today, i’m really tired after a lousy night sleep and i want to eat myself better. that was part of how i ended up so heavy - the last few years of sleep deprivation and back pain translated into major overeating. now that i get more sleep and eat a little better it is so obvious. back hurts - eat! sore throat - eat! TOM coming- eat! tired- eat! as if it fixes everything…

on a side note, i have been noticing lately this HUGE increase in energy(clearly not at the moment ). i remember this from quitting smoking a few years ago. all that smoking dampened my energy and then there it was. i had to quit drinking caffeine. now, here it is again. so, I think part of my overeating has also been to quiet some sort of restless energy i have. all the exercise and movement and activity right now is making a nice direction for the energy, but I am having to back off the caffeine.

So fascinating all this mind-body-spirit stuff, now if only i felt better right now!

Sorry guys, this is a time of the month blog.

TOM are you off running around with Aunt Flow or something? I’ve been waiting all week for you! You were supposed to come early in the week so I could get the bloats and weigh gain and pimples out of the way before my High School reunion this weekend. Now it looks like you’ll be coming with me.

Argh, I’d rather bring my husband as a date, not you! And the pimples, well, I will feel right back at home in High School…only with some extra poundage!

which is not really such a big deal, but i was trying to have Tues and Thursday of this week be detox days of no grains except rice, no dairy, no soy, no processed foods, etc.

Then, there I was today at my friend’s house at lunch time and she was feeding the kids and, of course, wanted to feed me.

I couldn’t just whip out my 2 giant carrot sticks and be like, “I’m fine.” I didn’t know what to do and then there was a lovely hot piece of pizza (vegetarian) in front of me and I ate it.

I’ve been better about not eating out of guilt, but this time I just really didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t say, “Oh, could you fix me a salad.” I tried telling her I’d just eat when I got home but I know that she wanted to be a good hostess to me and as a good guest i felt obliged to eat.

See, very few people know about this change I am making right now in my life and around my weight. I’m finding it easier to involve less people, not that I am hiding, but that I want this for myself right now (and for you all) and my hubby and a few close friends. I’m really wanting this process to be mine so that I can feel my way and incorporate it into my life or something like that. Making sense?

I also know that I’m not really on a diet or a plan so I don’t have a succinct way to explain myself and what I’m up to to people. Today was so random, too, with the restrictions on food I placed on myself. I pretty much don’t do restrictions, but I like having soup day or detox day. I can do anything for one day…

well, except today oh well. will stay focussed the rest of the day.

ciao!

well my little freak out earlier today about time and being here and all that is over.

i mean i still have to figure it all out but the panic is done for now!

one of you smarties told me to breathe and that just really stopped me in my tracks and helped me see what was happening. the overwhelm that had taken hold of me this morning became clear. that plus the escape i wanted from it.

thanks to all of you for your thoughtful and super supportive comments. this place is remarkable.

the movement towards balance continues and seems like i’ll get there better if i just remember to breathe.

have a great night and/or morning!

Yes that kind and the other kind, the Buddy Slim kind.

I am feeling so tight for time with my son’s short naps and his late bedtimes it leaves me little time to be here and really be here. This nice new place I have found that offers so much support. I guess I am starting to feel anxious about being here and being involved and guilty if I do not offer the support I want to offer. Yes, this is true in everything in my life - here it is a microcosm of what happens off the computer. I wrote a little about this already in http://thrive.buddyslim.com/2008/01/09/oh-yes-and-oh-no-bslim-has-replaced-food-tv/

but I am still wanting to find the balance.

i like to be at BSlim, i want to be here, and I need to be here, and yet I have no time for all the other BS that is part of life if I am here during all my spare moments. So, the laundry piles and begins to crawl towards the wash just hoping for a rinse, the to do lists starting writing new tasks for themselves, the  hubby and son beg me away from the computer, and the dishes leap from the sink aiming for the dishwasher. Really it is not all that bad, but close on some days. I think the shelf over the computer will fall on my soon given all the crap up there…

Anyway, I just feel like whenever I take one new thing on something else falls off.

You know, you throw that extra ball to the juggler and he just can’t keep them all in the air.

Well, let me tell you, my balls are flying!

And, yet, I will choose to be at BSlim and write and read and log. I may just have to cut myself some slack on how much I can really do. I have heard that people go in and out of obsession with the site - i get that now!

Onto the clutter and laundry…it is Monday afterall!

That line really stuck with me from a yoga class today. Although when I went to type it I first wrote “scared” instead of “sacred”…Hmm, what does that say? Anyway, this feeling of sacred inside is very nice. Treating my body and my self the way it (I) deserve rather than abusing it with too much, too little, no movement, too much movement, no sleep, etc…I like to think that I have been learning how to honor the sacred inside of me. It’s nice just to feel that there is something sacred inside of me - that feels a little new.

Now the “scared” in me I’ve had my eye on for sometime and certainly does not need to be honored:)

may you also see that light inside of you. even for a moment it is a nice reminder what is inside us all.
peace.

a little wisdom on cravings/desires:

http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/1839

The energy here today is so great and fun and happy. Must be Friday!

Hope everyone keeps up with their plans and goals. It certainly is hard to do sometimes. I’m really into this idea right now that i keep hearing and ignored years ago:

NEVER GIVE UP!

Now get out there and do waht works for you: exercise, write, read, journal, count,or  eat well and treat yourselves with the respect you all deserve!!!!!!

PS - the gym has been so crowded lately - it’s been really cool to see so many people taking hteir lives into their own hands to make life more of what they truly want. GO GO GO.

PPS - HOT RODS ROCK AND ROLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I feel like such a dummy and a faker.

I thought I was doing so well and had this kind of, I don’t know, under control.

Well, there I was last night all excited about popcorn and Project Runway. Commited to only one bowl and to going to sleep by 11. Not to bad  of a plan I figured, but then IT started happening.

The old Debbie started coming back. “No,” I told my husband adamantly when he tried to come in and do work on my son’s broken tricycle, “This is my only time to stay up late and eat popcorn! No work!” I chilled out as I recognized the old escapist behavior and just asked him if we could be done with “work” for the night and to come in if he wanted. He went back to bed. I, however, made the GIANT bowl of popcorn and sprayed it all up with canola oil spray and loaded the salt and the chili powder and the nutritional yeast and went to town.

20 min into the show I “needed” more popcorn, so in I went and made another bowl - ignoring all reason and sense and knowledge that this was not moving me towards my goal. Then, when Project Runway was over it was about 11:30 (I had it DVRed) I just “had to” watch at least one sitcom which then became 2 and there I was up until 12:30. I didn’t eat anymore and I did stop the TV instead of going till 2 or something, but darnit! I feel so full of sh%#, thinking I knew what I was doing, that I had this licked. It reminds me that I know nothing and that’s good to remember!

Today’s been a little bumpy, too, as I have that stomach thing again and have for a couple of days. It’s making me nauseous, but I still want to eat. It’s such a strong desire.

Oh and, in addition, at playgroup yesterday my friend brought a big bag of homemade oatmeal/chocolate cookies, pretty much the things that made me so fat…i had 2 (they are very small) yesterday and then sent DH with some to work and put the rest in the freezer. I can’t seem to throw them out b/c they are soooo good! She is a very good cook.  Okay, rambling here…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

I think I need some help today staying on goal!!