thrive

so this one isn’t really about food. well, as much as anything for me can NOT be about food. it all ties in, right? my moods effect my eating effects my mood effects my thoughts effects my food effects my thoughts. or something like that.

i’m not really in a bad mood today. kind of like yesterday i’m just a bit off and where it’s leaving me is in this place i have been so many times and for so long. i just can’t seem to get any real stuff done. and the reason i can’t isn’t the weather or the pregnancy or the blues, it’s just down right fear.

fear of f–king up, fear of looking stupid, fear of not being liked, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of not being able to do anything right or just not do anything at all. the bummer is that at the beginning of this journey here i was finding that my continual small succeess were leading me down the path of believing in myself. i was really starting to think i could do anything! i mean if i could change my lifestyle and incorporate exercise, stretching, yoga, and good eats into my regular life then really i could do anything. also, if i could come here and pour out my emotions, when before i was scared to even write in my journal for fear someone would find out how crazy i really am, but if i could do this, then i can do anything.  unfortunately that feeling isn’t around so much lately. maybe b/c i’m not doing quite so much towards the health, or maybe b/c my kid is sick so i’m home, or maybe b/c the pregnancy came and is so exciting and just taking some time still to figure out. or b/c i am tired. it could also be the fact that we may be moving AGAIN soon but we don’t know. life ie ever on hold for that.

so those are some of today’s reasons and or excuses. but really it is fear. i mean, let me tell you how silly this is. i want to make a stuffed animal out of some old clothes, but i’m afraid i can’t do it so i’m not trying. i do get overwhelmed, too, as i start to think of other projects to make. but really, it is fear that seems to be numero uno. it used to really get me around food and exercise and that is better. perhaps i am letting fear get a hold of me more since i haven’t been as active on my exercise the last 2 weeks. see that quick move to excuse, man, i’m good. anyway, that’s where i am right now. a little bit stuck in myself.

maybe i’ll go try and make that stuffed frog now…i’ll let you know how it goes!

i’m not sure even what to say, i just know this mood and these feelings i have been flirting with since yesterday and i need to write. if not, i WILL go and have af ew spoonfuls of peanut butter or finish off the chocolate granola I bought  - nice, eh, i was hungry at the store and stopped with that dumb buy? at least i haven’t chowed that all down yet, the me of about 2 months ago would’ve polished that bad boy off on Monday when i got it. so that’s good.

But, yes, this mood that is dancing around me, not quite blue, not quite overwhelmed, just very tired and a little washed out feeling, a little blah. my self doubts are not raging but they are there. my confidence is not in the toilet but it is in the bathroom.

i dunno.

last night i was preparing myself for a binge. i wanted it so badly. i had a pissy late afternoon with my kid hitting me, being a 2 year old, and just one too many toys flying at me. then, i knew i needed to workout but couldn’t get myself to the gym. i did walk for an hour. a very long hour, but it was nice to be outside. the whole time i thought about my giant bowl of popcorn and the irony of eating that while watching the Biggest Loser. I came home all ready to do it. I was in the “i deserve this”/”i don’t care” mode. then something did switch, i laid down to watch and thought, i’ll wait a little while on the popcorn. i drank alot of water and then eventually, when my hubby got up to make a bowk of cereal i just had 2 big carrots. i couldn’t believe it.

tonight i may have the popcorn, but the big binge-y feeling is gone at least. writing is helping the icky mood too. i get so messed up in my head sometimes and the eating is my go to for ANY feeling. But now it’s the writing. Sorry to have so much to say all the time! I feel like Shann and that my head will explode if I don’t get it out. My head or my waist from eating it out! Thanks for being there for my needy self!

With all the blues traveling around my Buddies right now I thought of this story I wanted to share to offer a little HOPE and LIGHT. First, let me give a BIG HUG to all of you that are feeling so sad right now. I have so been there and I feel you - although we are all different there are such similarities too in struggle and pain.

I hope you can all try and find little ways to take care of yourself, see glimmers of light and hope, and memories that it can and will change. Hope can be so elusive, but it is always around us. Some people see it in God or religion, some in nature or energy, some in their own actions, some in the actions of others. There is also that hope in kids or youth. And somewhere there is hope in each of us.

I’ll give you one of my favorite images:

I was nannying a 2 year old a few years ago and we were out walking the dog one morning. She stopped on the street corner to watch the cars go by and started waving to each car that passed. (It was between 8 and 9 in the morning so there were alot of people rushing to places.) Well, it was just amazing to see how this little girl affected people. Her wave brought a smile to grumpy parents and teenagers rushing to school, a cell-phone talking businessman in a suit stopped talking to wave back and smile, a woman doing her makeup while driving put down the powder and grinned, a couple arguing in their seats took a breath and shouted a warm hello out the window and the very sweet street sweeper circled by twice. And it just kept happening, person after person looked up and, for just that moment they left behind all the worries and there was light in their face. Everyone just stopped what they were doing to see this cute little girl waving to them as they drove by. The hurried, harried, and stressed took a moment to smile. It was just so beautiful.

So I guess I wish to you all a moment to find that little girl waving to you.

So, can anyone guess what’s been on my mind this weekend. Well, I think I found the solution to the chocolate problem!

There was a point where my husband wanted to be the substitute for my late night eating. I’ll have to show him this one

Have fun out there all you sweeties!

Hello and Happy Sunday. It is a beautiful snowy day here. The really light snow that you can actually see the individual snowflakes. So pretty. Took a little walk and did some shoveling.

Was headed out to Yoga today but I just keep feeling this anxiety. It’s pulsing through my body and I know why. I’ve got that overwhelmed thing happening. The darn clutter around here is driving me MAD.

I’ve learned that about once a week I get that overwhelmed feeling and then my escapist behaviors or my freak outs tend to happen. I can overeat, do nothing, feel blue, or stressed. Well, this week it’s hung on all week. I still haven’t unpacked from my trip last weekend, I’m working through the laundry and dishes, and there’s just all this other stuff every where.

Well, today as I started to pack my stuff for yoga - i was going to go after i walked the dog- i just stopped and breathed and decided that the CLUTTER needed some attention and that is actually today’s yoga. Spending some time at home, here, really making the home feel more calm. I can so easily keep going and ignore this but I have been noticing lately that time at home and concentrating on home things is so important in all of this change.

So I will breathe in and unload the dishes, my suitcase, and then go onto to tackle some longer- standing clutter like my desk.

ps -I did read an article a few weeks ago about a woman who decluttered her house and lost 50 lbs in the process. Letting go of stuff helped her let go of pounds and habits that weren’t so helpful, too. This feels like another step in a direction i want to head. (don’t worry - i’m not trying to lose weight, just staying healthy and sane - or at least tryin’)

well thanks again for all the congrats! i am so glad to be out of that hiding place. if i can’t be honest here, then i’m really screwed.
now, i am finding that this is just going to be a little tough. i really want to keep up the healthy eating, the regular exercise, and the losing weight, but i can’t quite do it. i have been doing a little research and i will talk to a doc, but it seem this first trimester all i need to gain is 4 pounds and i did that this last week, so i’m good for another 2 months on that - HA HA.

Seriously, though, I just am having a REALLY hard time eating well. I’ve been up every  night this week eating late. My exercise compensation isn’t fool proof as today at the gym I couldn’t jog b/c I got winded and even walking 3 miles was tough. That’s unusual for me I can usually go forever walking. I’m in that tired place and it’s not safe to push it too much. I’m totally not complaining - it’s all good it’s just hard for me to figure out how to keep moving. You see, I was just getting out of the tired place from my own lack of sleep and poor eating. And when I’m tired I always want to eat, so I have quite a challenge in front of me.

Stay healthy, stay strong, stay rested, stay within a nice range of weight gain…I just have to keep trying. Butt kicks always welcome on all of the above!

I think i’ll keep logging the food. it’s embarrassing, but has to be done, husband is back tonight, too, so the night binging WILL STOP!

yesterday:

decaf tea w/ unsweetened soy milk

water (3 cups)

leftover butternut squash + lentil soup (about 1.5 cup)

1 clementine

salad w/ peas, corn, edamame, broccoli, carrots, cukes, and spinach - jalepeno ranch dressing - 2tbsp

couple pieces fruit - strawberry and pineapple

water

decaf chai tea w/ unsweet soy milk

1 serving veggie booty

black bean, cheese, and red pepper quesadilla (2 tortillas) plus my son’t leftovers - another 1/4 ques.

the night eats:

2 cups noodles with olive oil and salt

1 bowl granola w/ soy milk

1 giant bowl of popcorn with spray and all…

lots of water

ugh! that was a big bender last night as i knew hubby was coming back and i wanted to stop it. the last hoorah or something as if there was something to shout hoorah about - eating like that. i want my mindset to switch back to where it was, but when the body doean’t feel well the eating is just incredibly difficult for me to resist.

keep trying, yes? gotta do it!

So, remember last week when I was waiting for TOM, then I was tired that day, and another day had a stomachache. Well, guess who’s not coming to dinner - TOM or Aunt Flo. Turns out I was preggers afterall!

So we are super excited and it is incredibly early (5 weeks) so the usual keep it quiet thing is what we’re doing. But, here is like my journal with friends who happen to read it. And I’m going bonkers writing around it. I just found out on Friday afternoon before I left for the reunion and then took another test Sat morning in my hotel room b/c we were so surprised since earlier we tested negative twice. Looks like we tested too early! So anyway, I’m knocked up with baby #2! We hope all goes well!!!!

As for weight loss…at least I got down a bunch of the weight, but I can’t really lose anymore. So I’ve been kind of confused and unsure and just wanting to get back on track but not doing it. I am sticking around for sure because being gone just a few days my eating habits were plummeting. I want to keep up the healthier eating and exercise for me and the little bambino and try to gain the minimum needed given my current weight.  So that’s the dealio! I am also going to start food journaling as I think I need that accountability here. Is there a group on BSlim that does just that? Food logs? The cardio group has been so great for me that a food one probably would be as well.

Anyway - there’s the BIG NEWS - it really is SOOOO exciting!!!! We feel very lucky!!! It is a bummer that my pants are about to get tight again but at least this is for a great reason!

 i think i need to journal my food for today and for awhile. there are more interesting things for me to write, but this seems most useful and i really am struggling here to get back to the habits i prefer around my eating. i just keep making choices that aren’t fitting me and soon my pants won’t be fitting me again…i know my food is generally “healthy” but look for the popcorn, muffins, and random snacks. Those plus portion control are what do me in…

so today’s food:

decaf tea with soymilk x 2

rice milk smoothie with pear, flax seed, rice protein powder

water

2 veggie/tofu spring rolls (not fried, lettuce, mint, rifce noodles, carrots, tofu) no sauce

1/2 big ole chocloate chip muffin (vegan)

about 35 cheese crackers (2 servings)

4 almonds

8-10 snack peas, chips, and carrots plus 2 halves of strawberry bread and ginger bread

big bowl and a half of  homemade butternut squash soup with lentils and gnocci, random:  bunch maybe a cup of pasta (israeli couscous)

1/3 cucumber

water

2 spoons of sunflower seed butter

2 GIANT bowls (prob 4-6 cups) of air-popped popcorn dressed with lots of salt and canola spray plus chili powder and nutr. yeast.

water

okay, i should sleep so at least one thing won’t be too off.

When I went to personal training years ago or whenever I join a gym and get those 2 free sessions, they always do that thing where they say, “Just give me 2 more.” I used to tease the trainers that they learned that in school. Whatever your clients are doing just give them 2 more. Don’t bother counting, wait and when you see they are tired, just give them 2 more. I swear this trainer I had at Bally’s recently NEVER counted as he was too busy chatting about his love like, so he would see I was exhausted and say, “Well, give me 2 more.”

I noticed that I’ve been saying that to myself now. I internalized a bit of Personal Training which is so good as it’s hard for me to keep gong sometimes and yet exercise is what is really keeping me going. So, I’m trying to give myself that little push when I’m tired - Just give me 2 more could be minutes, could be reps, could be calories, could be miles, could be laps - JUST NOT 2 MORE COOKIES!!!!!!. It’s really about pushing yourself a wee bit harder but not so much that you aren’t listening to your body.

For all my buddies here GIVE ME 2 MORE!!!!
http://sincerelykristin.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/exercise-cartoon.jpg

Well, a few days off Buddy Slim certainly changes a girl. Now, i know that’s true.

I’m going to go ahead and offer my apologies to my HOT RODs because I am definitely not helping the cause this week. I even thought of quitting, isn’t that interesting? Not doing so well, so quit. That’s going to take me far in life, yes? But here I am, extra few pounds and all. I need to get going again, but I really am in that downslide…

For those who don’t know me, I went to my High School Reunion this weekend. It was fabulous and fun and even corrective - I got to see people that I hadn’t seen in 20 years and see that all that crazy high school shit I did is gone and forgotten and okay. Another place for me to be okay with myself. THat’s good, those places are good for me.

In the traveling I did pretty well with the eating, not great, but pretty good until Sunday on the way home. Couldn’t find anything to eat in the airport that was veggie friendly so I finally got a piece of pizza. That’s not so bad, but it was one of those giant pieces. Then when I got home, hubby ordered Chinese food. Healthy chinese, but take out nonetheless which was part of the original problem (eating out). So Sunday became a bit of a bust. And this was all compounded by a lack of exercise, too, due to the busy day Saturday and the rainy weather. I walked around and was on my feet and strolled the airport, but again, not the usual.

So then Monday we ate more chinese, followed by dinner out at IKEA and I just saw that nonstop eater returning. The “I don’t care” attitude started coming back over me. So last night I was eating 2 bowls of popcorn and staying up late. And today I ate cookie dough!!!!!!! I hadn’t done that since I started here and there I was really back to where I started.

I heard this thing from a junkie on a TV show that was blasting in the airport. She was talking about getting clean and then using again. She said that the first day you think, “oh, no big deal, it’s just this one time.” then the next day, you say to yourself, “well, it’s only 2 days, i can still be fine.” then on day 3, you pretty much say, “what the h_ll, and just do it again.” that was me today and i didn’t really like it.

so here, i am day 3 of being back on the stuff of overeating, not choosing what i really want, and just not being in line with myself. Instead of throwing in the towel and saying, “what the h_ll” I am going to say “here i am - ready to go again!” this week may be a bust as the computer just came back so I’ve sorely behind here. Also, the hubby is leaving for a 3 day biz trip so my exercise will be down as will any free time. I’m going to do what i can and offer myself a hand up and a little compassion and patience as well as a swift kick in the rear!

i missed you all!!!! Buddy Slim helps me soooooooo much! I’m embarrassed by the fall, but I’m so glad to be back! Love you all!