thrive

So I had this great question from Marathon Girl yesterday (BTW, love that name, it just makes me want to run marathons so I can be called that. How about you call me Wish I Could Run Marathons Girl)- anyway the comment was about my desire to eat. She asked me how I was feeling or something to that effect and this morning I’ve been really munching on that very question. I’ve been all out of sorts the last couple of days and my eating and exercise momentum waned terribly yesterday. First it was no childcare, then it was TOM, then it was too icy to walk, now i think i’m allergic to our Christmas tree and I must also be getting the cold that my son had and seems to have again. So there are some physical things going on that certainly effect my mood and energy. And then there are the emotional components of those very things plus the many others in the course of the day like anxiety over my sick son, his school, our upcoming trip, if i’m a good parent, am i eating and exercising, when are we ever going to buy presents, what am i doing with my life, etc, etc. I can easily get overwhelmed and feel that as pressure, drain, and limitation (even tho my life is very good).

I feel really limited and like I’m not able to do what I want to do. Eating has often been just that - doing what I want in the face of all the other limitations. It has been the thing I could do, I could control (even by not controlling it), and it was free. When I am tired, sad, anxious, anything, eating has definitely been the go to thing. Usually I know what I am feeling - the on the surface obvious thing, but I think I have this feeling of limitation or control underneath. Wanting some freedom and finding it in food. What a silly way to be free, but it has been it…that and staying up late.

Part of today’s blues were because we are leaving my son’s preschool for a variety of reason’s but we will really miss the community. He wasn’t feeling well today, so he didn’t stay and i had to leave kind of without real or full goodbyes and I’m not sure we’ll be back in this week as I want him to be able to get well before the holidays and rest seems to be the best right now. Community is so important, though, I hate to see it go!

Not sure what yesterday’s emotions were, just maybe tired of holding it together and making the smart choices. I did read this article about a study where they found that people who have to exercise self-control all day at work or school have a harder time exercising it later around food or exercise. There is this idea that the “No” muscle needs a workout b/c it fatigues. I imagine it to be like the drain I can feel at the end of the day. Being a stay-at-home parent (as with lots of other jobs) does require that “on” feeling all day plus the self-control of the article. I am constantly practicing patience, good eating habits, manners, and all sorts of behaviors I hope to teach all day long. Then at night or nap time it can all hang out…controlled behavior to uncontrolled. limited to unlimited. speaks to some of my binging for sure.

am rambling now! adios and good night!