thrive

There is this crazy way that time makes me feel CRAZY or crazed. It either moves too slow or too fast. Typically, I feel like I never have enough time for anything but I feel the need to do everything or even nothing. That leads so quickly to overwhelm and then the priorities and desires and needs get all mixed up. Time can make me feel paralyzed. Time and fear that is, but fear will have to come in another post…

This time thing especially gets me around exercise and eating well (i prefer saying that over “diet”). I have finally learned that if I want something I have to make time for it - schedule it and make it happen - then time does really exist. When I don’t plan ahead or make room for the things i want for myself or even need then funnily enough they don’t happen. What I keep bumping into, though, is HOW THE HECK to make the schedule that works, that takes into account the variables of life, and keeps me in balance with responsibilities, others, and self. Argh! Just getting to the gym is such an ordeal sometimes.

I was supposd to go this morning, but my son didn’t want to stay at school and seems to be getting his molars. So, no gym for me. Yesterday no gym either, but I did take my dog out for a super long walk last night in the 30 degree weather. Tonight, even though it’s Friday and Pizza night would be much more fun, I think I’ll go to the gym. I am really liking the way I feel after that night time workout.
I guess the thing about time is that if I do what I really want then time seem to move more slowly. I suddenly have more of it. When I do nothing time feels like it’s running away with me - like i have all of these things i should be doing. There’s this other thing about doing nothing, too, that makes me feel like it’s finally my time, free time, slow time, but that nothing isn’t always so good cuz usually it’s nothing and eating. Eating makes me feel free of time constraints even though really it is so fast and hurried and wild, like i just have to get this in beofre the next part of my day happens or before i have to go to sleep. the truth though is that it’s really anything but free, especially of consequences. it feels like this seductive trick that food and time play on me. I can see them saying “Ah, relax, have a bite to eat or a drink, you’ll feel better if you do.” No, no really, I know there are other things you want to be doing but this is your time, for you, etc, etc…” “Don’t sleep, then you’ll lose all this TIME (and chances for relaxing and eating)” “go ahead and have that second helping, if you eat it really fast it won’t even count” “You deserve that cookie dough for being so exhausted and you know that will relax you and make time feel longer”

tots awke must go…

Go figure, doing actually changes the feel of time pressure…