thrive

I’m so excited! I earned my first red star!!!! That was a mini goal, too, so it’s doubly exciting. I had wanted to lose 2 pounds this week and maybe by tomorrow that second one will fall off (or I’ll kick it’s butt out of here), but during this Holiday/travel week I WILL HAPPILY ACCEPT the change and say YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Thanks to all my buddies and the challenges for keeping me going!!!!!

with food. or with myself. or with both.

Don’t have much time right now and stayed up too late last night so I’m fuzzy. Two steps forward and one step back.

But this idea keeps coming to me - not such a new one, but felt compelled to write it out…food is there to nourish, enliven, give strength, love (?), promote health, and generally be good for you and yet i just abuse the heck out if it. I feel all crave-y and desperate - I HAVE TO HAVE IT (well, of course we need it to survive, but more than that basic need). I can get possessive and obsessive about it. It just feels like I am such a bad partner in this relationship - not a whole lot of respect going on for this life-giving stuff!

There’s that fantasy aspect, too (get your minds out of the gutter, i don’t mean 9 1/2 weeks), but I mean the allure of the food or my distorted expectations of it. You know how we project onto our partners whatever we want, or we put them on a pedestal, or have these ideas that they can be it all, well, I do that with food sometimes…I look to it to be perfect, the thing I need right then and there to make me feel better or happy or energized or comforted or loved. I have these expectations that that bowl of popcorn or cookie dough or bag of snack food will be sooooooo good and usually, really, it’s not all that.

I just want a healthier relationship filled with respect and balance…

Happy Holidays everyone!

So, that question above helped me through Christmas at my sis-in-laws aka Betty Crocker. I got to her house and saw the piles of Christmas cookies and instead of doing the no I can’t have it thing I sampled and kept asking myself, “Is it worth it?” Most of the cookies weren’t worth the extra exercise and upset over the calories so that really helped. My friend’s wedding cookies and then the Happy Birthday Jesus cake, now those were worth it! LOL

It is a helpful question though, so thought I’d pass it along. I used it before when I was drinking alot of Mochas after going to the gym - that mocha would be my WHOLE workout. Eventually, they weren’t worth it anymore. All I can say is, good thing my friend only gave me 4 wedding cookies

Squiggly’s challenge worked! I went swimming last night so that I could say I had done my challenge. It was great, too. Thanks! More challenges please - this one was so perfect because it was about something small for me. Just go swim once this week. Nice. Like that. Anyone else want to make a small challenge for themselves, something reasonable, attainable? the little steps are not so little when they add up, yes?

Thanks again for the challenge!

so there it is. i’m tired and i really, let me say that how it feels, REALLY, want chocolate or cookie dough or chocolate cookie dough. it’s a simple as that. exhausted leads to munchies (of course other things do, too, but this is not about those kind of munchies)…and why did i stay up late last night - argh!

hmm, i think i hear it calling to me from the cabinet, i could be hallucinating from the lack of sleep, “Come on, you know I’m here: the oats, the butter, the brown sugar, the flour, go ahead and make me, add a little vanilla, some cinnamon, and maybe even some nice dark cocoa, oh yes, that’s it, you know you like it like that. i’ll make you feel better, i’m so yummy.” darn freaky ingredients…

just realized that i would LOVE to hear when everyone does their workouts and what do you do. When do you make/take the time? Morning, afternoon, night. What time to do you go to sleep? For stay at home mom’s what do you do? Mom’s that are passed the little kid phase - any advice? Just wanted to open it up for some help in scheduling. I love to hear the details of how people make changes and priorities!!

thanks to all for the support over the last few grumpy, complaining days. today was really nice as my son was okay and we subbed at preschool for another mom, so we got to have a better end to our time there. it is always nicer to leave feeling good about what you’ve put in versus like you left someone hanging. it will be a missed community but a wise decision to move on. now i just need to get some more childcare for after the new year! that will truly help - when i have the care, i go to the gym, really as easy as that…if only some fabulous, cheap sitter or family daycare would appear at the door. hoping for that magic again! it’s funny how things only change when i actually change them…not so good for the lazy and chicken part of me.

i’m trying really hard to be brief but i have so much to day, this has become my little journal, out here for everyone to see (ugh!). something about that, though, that i really noticed is about looking externally for fixes or even saviors versus staying inside. jennifer wrote something on her blog that was akin to that, i was going to quote it, but forgot…anyway, i, too was really paying attention to how when my focus or time starts to be caught up in outside activities (actual plans) or outside worries (what others are thinkng/feeling)  then i tend to get a little messed up in the head (and heart).  I can go into that place of looking at myself from everyone’s point of view but my own, or attending to everyone’s needs but my own, or being overconcerned about upsetting people. I like to be considerate and thoughtful, but this is more that that…

Then there is also just being over-scheduled or too busy b/c of plans to do this or that. I’ve complained alot about the sick at home time and not getting to the gym or having childcare, but it is also really nice to be at home. i found that then i did my stretches, drank my water, ate well, got creative, was productive, etc. On the go all the time doesn’t promote that as much. i am always looking for that balance between in and out. While too much isolation makes me loony, so does too much stimulation and external input. As always, this all effects my eating and exercising and sleeping and feeling.

happy to shift the attitude and looking forward to getting to the gym tonight!

So I had this great question from Marathon Girl yesterday (BTW, love that name, it just makes me want to run marathons so I can be called that. How about you call me Wish I Could Run Marathons Girl)- anyway the comment was about my desire to eat. She asked me how I was feeling or something to that effect and this morning I’ve been really munching on that very question. I’ve been all out of sorts the last couple of days and my eating and exercise momentum waned terribly yesterday. First it was no childcare, then it was TOM, then it was too icy to walk, now i think i’m allergic to our Christmas tree and I must also be getting the cold that my son had and seems to have again. So there are some physical things going on that certainly effect my mood and energy. And then there are the emotional components of those very things plus the many others in the course of the day like anxiety over my sick son, his school, our upcoming trip, if i’m a good parent, am i eating and exercising, when are we ever going to buy presents, what am i doing with my life, etc, etc. I can easily get overwhelmed and feel that as pressure, drain, and limitation (even tho my life is very good).

I feel really limited and like I’m not able to do what I want to do. Eating has often been just that - doing what I want in the face of all the other limitations. It has been the thing I could do, I could control (even by not controlling it), and it was free. When I am tired, sad, anxious, anything, eating has definitely been the go to thing. Usually I know what I am feeling - the on the surface obvious thing, but I think I have this feeling of limitation or control underneath. Wanting some freedom and finding it in food. What a silly way to be free, but it has been it…that and staying up late.

Part of today’s blues were because we are leaving my son’s preschool for a variety of reason’s but we will really miss the community. He wasn’t feeling well today, so he didn’t stay and i had to leave kind of without real or full goodbyes and I’m not sure we’ll be back in this week as I want him to be able to get well before the holidays and rest seems to be the best right now. Community is so important, though, I hate to see it go!

Not sure what yesterday’s emotions were, just maybe tired of holding it together and making the smart choices. I did read this article about a study where they found that people who have to exercise self-control all day at work or school have a harder time exercising it later around food or exercise. There is this idea that the “No” muscle needs a workout b/c it fatigues. I imagine it to be like the drain I can feel at the end of the day. Being a stay-at-home parent (as with lots of other jobs) does require that “on” feeling all day plus the self-control of the article. I am constantly practicing patience, good eating habits, manners, and all sorts of behaviors I hope to teach all day long. Then at night or nap time it can all hang out…controlled behavior to uncontrolled. limited to unlimited. speaks to some of my binging for sure.

am rambling now! adios and good night!

okay, so one piece of cake is not so bad, but then i ate too much dinner and now i don’t want to go walk the dog or go to the gym tonight, i just want popcorn and tv. i’m tired. i’m a little worn out.  i’m feeling like eating ALOT.  bummer, i liked the other feeling better!

Oh no! All weekend I was kind of bracing myself for the fall. You know, I was riding high, enjoying the momentum, feeling good and some where I knew that it would end, stop, or at least drag. I have realized how difficult the weekend can be to keep with my desire to be healthy, strong, active, and fit. My time seems more limited even though my hubby is home so, in theory, it’s more childcare (parenting by him). And, this weekend I did do better than last to get to the gym both Sat and Sun, but still the scale moved up this morning…

I got my period this weekend and thought it would give me those extra couple of pounds but both Sat and Sun my weigh in was okay, then today, up to 170 or even more again. And, you see, 170 is what made me come here. For the last year or maybe 2, I have been up and down between 155-165 with 169 being the highest. And then 170 came and came again and stayed. It really freaked me out because I had never been here before and because it menat that the 160s had stuck.

I don’t know about you all but I tend to have a 5-10 pound extra range for my weight.  That 5-10 pounds moves around alot. For years I was between 145-155, then I had the divorce diet that took me to a svelte 125-130 (oh my - those tight little red pants sure were fun!). Then back up gradually to the 130s and 140s and then a back injury and into the 150s and then a baby and no sleep and into the 160s. Now my post-baby maternity pants have been tight and I hit that 170 and up to 175 and it made me realize I was so far away from those 140s. It kind of snuck up on me and kind of didn’t. Really, I was just gorging myself recently (before I came here) and so those last 10 pounds made their way into my body and seem like they want to stay. I was liking the last few days b/c I was under 170, but today -argh. Hopefully, it water weight from my little womanly friend. But it could be the wine this weekend or the 2.5 bowls of vegertarian chili mac I had for dinner last night. Either way, I’m totally bummed!

I will go to the gym tonight and I will keep on trying, but I’m worried about getting in that negative space that makes it hard to remember my preferences and my true desires and is instead focused mainly on self-indulgence and feeling better fast.

Hope to keep it up! Any suggestions are MUCH appreciated! And, if I seem to disappear the funk has me beat!

be well.