thrive

can you believe that is how i am feeling? i am about to do my first triathlon on Saturday and I just can’t get over feeling like such a fatty.

glad to have me back aren’t ya?

see, i have not lost a single pound since i started training two or three months ago. my fitness is way up but my stomach is huge, my clothes still don’t fit, etc… then i read about this other triathlon i was thinking about signing up for. they had a “special” category for weight. men over 200 called clydesdales and women over 150 called athena. so over 150 needs a special category? i felt like i was just told to my face that i am indeed a fat triathlete.

ok, i want so much to write more and i need to go get my kid before he sleeps too long.

what i will say is that i am back to losing weight. not because of this but this happens to be when i am starting a challenge here with my local gym and a team i assembled of 10 women. now i just feel so freakin embarrassed by my weight. ugh - NOT helpful!!!

i am trying to pop in on blogs - miss all my buddies!

hi buddies! i totally disapepared, didn’t i? i am so sorry. one of the things i love about buddyslim is all that i learn about myself and my behaviors and issues and all. i see that i left here because i was busy elsewhere. thing is, i left my buds behind and didn’t want to do that! i am finding that any time i start something new, something else has to take a backseat. i am not sure how to do this time management thing so well. also, i was losing steadily unitl longest loser was done, took a week off and then never really got my heart back into it. i found that my babe was not sleeping well when i was losing and suddenly he slept better when i was chowing. i think my milk supply was down. am ever working on balance in all things physical, social, mental. i am a bit mental these days. some blueness and depression lingering about. let me tell you one thing, listening to nes while you are depressed is a bad idea - i was in the car weepong yesterday as i listened to an NPR interview about some pig farms and how the animals were being incredibly abused. then today, i wasn’t really paying attention but i kept hearing the word rape. not a happy listening experience and yet so true of the world.

ok enough of the downers. so i am fat and not especially happy for some reason BUT i am happy about my Triathlon coming up in June. I have raised nearly 1300 dollars so far (have to do 2700 to be in the program). And, I have been running, swimming, biking, and going to spin classes. Not enough for any of these yet, but i am doing it and it is very exciting! I am remembering that I can do anything if I actually try and nothing if I don’t.

Friends, I am missing you all and working on making time to stay in touch. I need to be writing and reading as well. Please know that I am thinking of you!
“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

Okay, Anj wasn’t really with me but it was like she was!

You know what I decided as I was at minute two of my run?

I AM NOT A COUCH POTATO. I was doing the Couch to 5K run thing and I was going to follow it to a tee to prevent injury. Well, I decided that I had to see if I could go longer. I was checking in with my body and noticed that mainly my cardio was what was the challenge. I decided to keep going. And then I just kept going. It is a beautiful day here today - 50 degrees still here tonight. Snow and ice melting away but still there. Was able to run on most sidewalks. Whatever, not the point, the point is I DID IT!! I was so excited running, I was so happy, I broke down my own beliefs about myself, I opened a whole new realm of exercise. We will see how my bod feels tomorrow. Am icing my knee now. I have a potentially bad back. We shall see. I was not reckless, I did some stretches after as well as a cool down 5 minute walk (plus 5 min to start). I think I just realized that I am actually not a couch potato and that maybe I can actually run…

WOWEEEE!!!

I AM NOT A RUNNER might be a line of the past.

THANK YOU ANJ THANK YOU SO MUCH for being there and being the inspiration. I was just going to go for 18 when I just couldn’t stop, in fact I didn’t want to stop at 20 but that slight hill knocked some sense into me.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY BUDDIES especially my diet tribe (Kama, Nicole, Tracey, Anj, Nancy, Lori) who are so sweet with me even though I am barely able to be there for them. Thanks, too, to Jo - you were with me Cookie - Shanna, Jennifer, Lyssa, Angela, Tatiana, Tina, Jane, Debbi, Debra - OH my! - so many of you were there with me!!!I am forgetting too many people please don’t be offended - keep coming back to add peeps in and now it just seems silly - Please know that I think you all rock out!!!! Thanks to all my Wildcats, my former Diamond buds, and my Longest Loser pals!

I sound like I am giving a thank you speech - this feels that good and I am that grateful!

Ok need to shower now - in case you are wondering - yes I peed on myself again

Sleep deprivation kills me. I get depressed. I fall down. And then I am back up again. Here I am today feeling happy even though I am tired and fat. Yes, I said fat. Just went to try on clothes this morning at some stores for a party I’m going to Saturday night. Oh my, the rolls…UGH!

Last night, Sean tried to do the middle of the night. Didn’t really work but I did sleep downstairs from about 1:30-4, so that was a good stretch. We are working on helping Eli sleep longer bits. He used to do more, but recently we are in 2-3 hour land again and sometimes he just stays up for awhile. The cumulutive effect just finally kicked my butt yesterday. Cool thing that I relaized it so quickly. In the past I’d just hang out being depressed.

So, now we have to get the little bugger to eat more in the day. He eats more at night than in the day. I keep offering him milk during the day but he only eats if he’s hungry (wish i could learn that part )

Thanks for all the well wishes.

What’s that you say?

Me falling completely down.

I am tired. I am depressed. I am eating too much again.

That direct link of lack of sleep to eating has another direct link - to depression. Lack of sleep has got me on my face trying desperately to get back up again. Talked to hubby today and he will step in on the nights a bit more with eli. Also, just bought a new swaddle blanket. We went from okay sleep to horrible lately and my body and my emotions just aren’t dealing well.

Sorry to be a downer and not around to support you all so much. Am holding onto some hope that this will resolve soon. Good thing is - I recognize the depression now the second it tried to hit me. Still I am knocked down. I am going to that place of debbie = failure. BUT i know enough to call for help and am doing that.

ok gotta go!

I was goofing around the other day and figured out that in the Blog options you can change the time of your blog. Whatever time it comes in is what places it on the list (before people read it and rank it). I forgot to change it back so that blog was written like tomorrow in the computer’s mind!

Good weigh in today and looking for a little more loss by tomorrow. Made same great choices yesterday - snacked on celery and carrots. Really watched what I ate and made some exercise happen. When my hubby was going out to break up the ice on our sidewalk and do some more shoveling last night, I stopped him and ran out. I told him I needed to burn some more calories! Get the exercise where you can!! I have to say, shoveling is actually quite satisfying…

Okay, want to go read the BAZILLION blogs I have missed just in the last two days. Let’s see how long Eli sleeps!

so i read a little article on yahoo a few weeks ago about negative calorie foods. the idea was that certain foods you eat take more calories to be ingested than they actually contain. My new lover, grapefruit, is one of them, celery, cabbage, are some others. I think this is where the kooky cabbage and grapefruit diets come from. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR AN EASY FIX. But, I like this idea of incorporating some of these foods into my eating. Here’s a list I found. Mainly, it all comes down to eating more fruits and veggies, right? We all know that.

Anyway, have been doing really well, but yesterday just ate too much and now facing weigh ins this week and hoping I can bring it down. I’m still feeling in munchy mood today so I HAVE to watch the grazing. I am torn between not eating enough for nursing the baby and eating too much and feeding my blubber!

Also, tried to go running this morning but is is one giant piece of ice outside. May go to the gym this morning but was trying to wait till Eli had his next round of shots (on Monday) before I take him to day care there. Hard to exercise in this weather!!!Ok, stop the excuses. Will go do some yoga before I take Austin to school. Have a great day!

This is not a blog for the faint of heart. Yes, you read right, Depends.

Off I went last night to get my run on - starting VERY slowly so that I won’t injure myself. I was thinking of Nancy as I held my core strong - was really letting my abs support me. But, try as I may the floodgates could not be held shut.

Now, this is one reason I don’t run right now - my kegel muscles are weak. I was going to what I liked to call “cooter therapy” for them at the beginning of my pregnancy. It was demoralizing, but something that needed to be done. Normally, I don’t leak unless I run, jump, or have a really big cough or sneeze. And, honestly, I don’t need depends. But, the tiny leaks and the inability to run/jump with my son were getting too much for me last year so I talked to my doc and got the referral for the therapy. Pregnancy is famous for creating this problem so I just marched on knowing that I was attempting to repair a dam with scotch tape. Now that baby is out, things have been pretty good…UNTIL….Running - yowza! What was I thinking not wearing a pad? I had forgotten!!! Well, rather than run home after a little spill over, I had to just let go of feeling like a 4 year old who wet herself and I just kept going. I decided that if i was going to do a Triathlon and maybe even a Marathon eventually I may just have to pee on myself occasionally. LOL Luckily, it wasn’t that much…

Really, though, I will keep working on my kegel exercises as they are part of your core and part of what supports your whole trunk. While they get stronger, I WILL invest in some pantyliners!!!

try an unwatched pot that you are running up and down the stairs to waiting for the whistle. i thought my tea kettle would never give me a break. actually, the plumber rang the doorbell right before the whistle. so there i was panting from running (walking) up and down the stairs.

so, why all this stair running? well, a few reasons:

1. as a stay at home mom in a VERY cold place, i can’t always get outside to exercise and i need a way to get some good cardio and fast

2. i remembered being on the Hot Rods last year and running the stairs the day before weigh in here and there as part of challenges or to help eke those pounds away

3. saturday after a great weigh in i had lunch out. not too bad but then my friend brought a plate of 3 very good goodies which i chose to eat some of each. almost all of the wonder bar. so i shoveled snow that day to compensate a little. next day ran the stairs. trying to find a balance.

4. i signed up for that TRIATHLON!!! and i think the first step has been learning to spell that word - woo hoo!!! Seriously, the first step was going to the Team in Training meeting about the program and the second step was signing up. I DID it. I am going to do this race barring great injury.

Oh, baby is calling, will write more later.

Just want to let you know i am back in my space of anything is possible. Little by little changes can happen. I may only be running the stairs for 5 minutes on teh kitchen timer or until the tea kettle boils, but some day it will be longer! It is about hope, belief that i can do anything with patience, perserverance, and support and that I WILL do it.

ok gotta go! love you all thanks to all my buddies for the constant inspiration!!!!

At least I’m telling myself that. It was the longest five minutes I’ve had in awhile. Just now I ran up and down the stairs fro 5 minutes. I set the timer on the oven and off I went. I kept wanting to quit or go see how much time was left, but I thought, nope just keep going. You’ll know when the time is up.

Who knew a kitchen timer could be a personal trainer???